Jade|
After Tori takes a shower, we change into shorts and bikini tops and go out back on her deck. The sun washes over the green, fenced in yard in hot yellow rays. The warmth seeps through me, giving my pale flesh a fluorescent glow. Tori barely owns any black clothing, so I went with the next best thing - dark purple. The shorts aren't the same shade as the bikini top, but I figure she's the only one who's going to see me and, considering the emotional mess I've been, I don't feel the need to impress her.
Tori plugs in a radio and switches it to some pop station before the two of us sprawl out on identical lawn chairs. The sky is a fierce blue, cloudless, and the sun makes us squint through our sunglasses. I tear my hair out from my bun, letting the now dry strands tumble down in crimped, crooked waves. Tori folds her hands on her stomach with her legs crossed at the ankles. She's already a glowing bronze color which I used to envy in my less confident days, until I realized that I only range between burnt lobster and marshmallow. I've come to terms with my inability to tan.
Still, it feels nice. We bathe in the sun without speaking for a time, the radio pumping out catchy tempos and shitty lyrics. Tori's feet bounce with the beat, a soft hum in her throat. Normally that shit would irritate me, but I can't find the energy to tell her to shut up. Besides, what she said back in her bedroom was true - she's been nothing but nice and patient with me since I got here, despite the lengthy list of awful things I've done just to spite her. It really pains me to say that Tori's a good person - perfect, no, but good. Everyone has a heart, but so few know how to really use it. Tori does.
I close my eyes. Tori, my friend. Tori Vega, the girl I always seem to run to. My brows knit together at the thought, not comfortable at all with the sound of it, the notion that I need people. Where would I be if I had stayed home this weekend? What kind of bizarre, impulsive things would I have done? A shudder that has nothing to do with the breeze shakes my spine. The thing is, I don't know what I would have done. Something stupid, probably. Beck - I flinch and swallow - Beck was my whole world. Is. Is my whole world. And he's taking himself away and wedging distance between us just because he doesn't know what he wants.
My heart gives a hollow, pathetic thump. He doesn't know if he wants me. He doesn't know if he loves me anymore.
"God damnit." I snatch the sunglasses away and press my wrist into one of my already stinging eyes. I've already cried more than enough in the past twenty-four hours. Time to suck it up, West, I think to myself before shoving the sunglasses back up my nose. I glance sideways to find Tori twisted on her side, watching me. Even through the dark lenses of her own glasses, I can see the crooks of her eyebrows like little frowning lips.
"You can cry. It's okay."
I distort my face at her. "No, thanks. I've done enough of that."
Her smile is apologetic. "Are you nervous for Monday?"
My head falls back against the chair again, sun warm on my legs and stomach. A fingertip traces my bellybutton. Even the word Monday sends my heart into a pattering mess. My stomach knots, my lungs close up, and I'm left just sitting there with no function organs. After a minute (and a few deep breaths), I give a slow, reluctant nod. I can't remember the last time I ever admitted something like that to anyone other than Beck, and the fact that it's Tori should bug the absolute shit out of me, but it doesn't. I turn to look at her again and think of her back in the bedroom, telling me she wants to be my friend, that I should give it a go. I've never had the kind of friend that you gush gossip to and tell secrets and have sleepovers - I'm used to acquaintances or people that I just find useful or convenient.
Tori's different, though, and I still don't know why, and thinking about it gives me a headache.
"You're going to be fine, I pro -" She cuts herself off quick, teeth crashing down on her lower lip. She shifts her legs and tries again. "You'll be fine. It'll be tough, but you're Jade West, remember?"
