you were always there for me (until you weren't)

your eyes (gold in the sun)

It's the way her eyes sparkle in the sun, how the rays catch the edge of her irises and transforms the playful brown into stunning gold.

You're too young to fully comprehend what the flutter in your stomach means, too young to feel such a deep sense of loss when she moves away from you, and much too young to be feeling such hopelessness.

You watch her head turn, her hair swishing gently in the wind with her bow securely clipped in. But all you can hear is a dull thud thud thud of your heart and feel your lips twisting in disappointment. You don't dwell on what it means, but you tuck it away deep inside you like you'll need to bring yourself back to this memory later (it's many years later until you come back to it).

The attention is fleeting, but the feeling that stays is euphoric. The way she giggles in your ear and the secrets that pass mere millimetres from her lips into your ear - so close her lips tickle the edges and puffs of breath warms your face. It's just the sunny day, you tell yourself. Why is it so warm and sunny today?

Sometimes - actually, quite often you wonder if she makes other people feel this way too, like they're the most important person in the world when her soft hands wrap around your waist and she brings her body flush with yours.

In one ear she's whispering about something that always seems so important, in the other you hear whispers of warnings from a friend in the future who you know means well. Stay cautious, be careful. You have every intention to listen but the honeyed whispers of her are deeply distracting.

When she's done with you she gives you a small smirk and wanders off to another group of people waiting for her. To you, she's almost like a queen being welcomed back to her court. The way she commands them and how her presence demands attention.

You don't bother this time with a desperate pull on her skirt, wanting to bask in her attention for just a little longer. Just the two of you in your own little bubble. You just watch helplessly as she redirects her attention to her group. You, yourself are a special somebody to her, but not within this group.

It's not like you don't like that group, you're even friends with most of them, they're just not your people. It would be too exhausting pretending to want to be there. You have too much self respect (or is it laziness) to try and fit in just for her. After all, everyone has their limits.

You don't even think you could be a part of this group. One of them is too annoying and self centred, always sabotaging and being self serving and ends up hurting her. (She's also the one who ends up giving you a throat infection later, ironically.)

You don't really understand how that friendship works, how they stay such close friends (you still wonder this years down the track) but you accept it just like you accept how she'll never be truly yours. Not in the way you want her to be.

It's not like you want to possess her, she's not something or someone anyone should possess. But sometimes you wonder what it would be like, what it would mean for her to be yours and for you to be hers. There wouldn't really be much difference, just that the kisses would migrate slightly to a different part of your face among other silly little things that always seemed so important to you yet so frivolous.

No one ever accuses you or shouts gay, faggot or lesbian at you even when your displays of affection are so public and constant. No one ever talks behind your back. You're not quite sure why since you know it happens elsewhere worldwide but you think maybe it has to do with who she is and how her sexual orientation doesn't really allow for it. Everyone just knows and accepts how harmlessly affectionate she is.

The hand holding, hallway wandering and giggled cheek kisses (among other places) never draws any negative attention despite how inside you're nervous and shaky every time it happens. But to her it's nothing. It means nothing. To you, then, it seemed to mean everything. It's something you'll always hold with you even after many years have passed.

When you return to your circle of friends they all accept you back unblinkingly. They've gotten used to how close you are to her, they all understand and accept that a big chunk of your time is always spent with her and that sometimes you can't be there with them. They don't question it. They never question anything. After all, no one would even begin to suspect or even pay enough attention to be suspicious.

Gal pals. Just friends being friends. They all know what kind of person she is and despite you not really being known to be as touchy feely as her, they understand that you're just moulded into that role with her. Some people are just able to bring out that side of someone.

You always remember to throw out more talk about the newest guy crush, the newest celebrity that's caught your attention. It's not like it's a lie, it's just not the whole truth. But no one ever catches you or questions you.

Straight passing is a term in your consciousness. It's also one that comes up years down the road.

But always you find your attention drifting to her. Her head tilting back as she laughs at something someone has said. The sun glinting through the trees shining down on her like she's a holy relic, causing her eyes to glow with bright gold.

No one ever calls you out and you always act like you're just occupied with your thoughts but it happens more often than you remember. Shifting your head to see past people, to glimpse her. What's she doing? Is she coming over here? Will we be ditching our respective groups today to mess around together?

It's hard not to notice that every time she approaches you, you cave. But sometimes when you approach her she brushes you off. Inwardly you understand you must mean different things to each other. She may be your special person, but you're not her only special person.

It's not terribly often that you don't appear to be with your own group, but it happens enough for them to notice and acknowledge. When that happens it's usually because you're with her.

No one ever blinks an eye when you just laugh and tell them, oh I was just hanging out with her. They nod like that's the only answer they really expected.

Even when years later some of them are trying to figure out who you have a crush on when you accidentally (or was it? You can't remember if you wanted them to know or you were too exhausted to keep hiding it) let it slip that no, you didn't like that certain guy you were messing around with because there was someone else on your mind, do they ever suspect anything. Or you think they don't anyway, they resolutely stick to guessing any boys that you're even remotely friends with when you give them a hint.

I'm very close with them.

You're not sure if they refrain from saying anything that might imply a more sapphic sexual orientation or that you've just played the part so convincingly that they would never consider it.

But for that moment in time not for a single second, when you were younger and less ready to accept any deviation from the norm did you understand what was actually happening. It was a slow burn, building up over time.

You're too young to understand why you love the way the sun hits her eyes just right, how they make her look like... that. But you're old enough to understand that this means something.