Written in the Sand: Book 1 of the "Written" duology

Monsters that Sleep

I thought I wouldn't wake up again. I thought I was going to die. Maybe I wanted to. But I never expected to wake up in a white room, with an annoying monitor beeping beside me.

I heard people whispering quietly, and I pretended to be asleep.

"What happened?" I heard someone, maybe Randall.

"I don't know," Someone else—Hamish?—said. "I called to check up on her, and she sounded funny and hung up on me. Here, this is the messaging," Definitely Hamish.

"She can't spell worth a shit when she's drunk," Lilith said. Even in my state, I know her voice. It's unmistakable.

"Be nice," Randall voiced. "What happened next?" He asked, aiming the question at Hamish.

"Well," Hamish said. "I decided to go over and see if she was alright. I opened the door and smelled blood. I found a pool of it in the kitchen, and followed it to where Mazikeen was in the hallway," He said in a hushed tone. "When I rolled her over, I saw cuts on her thighs..." He said quietly. "It doesn't look good guys," Hamish finished, breathing out a heavy sigh, then adding, "Some of the cuts were already healing. But..." He trailed off. "Some were so deep that they had just barely begun to heal, maybe not at all,"

I shifted slightly, feeling my thighs hurt, causing them to stop talking and look over at me. I opened my eyes to harsh fluorescent lights. "Where am I?" I asked, rubbing my eyes.

"Oh, thank God you're alive and not dead," Randall said, obvious relief in his voice, walking over. "I- I mean, we were worried," He said, correcting himself.

Hamish walked over next, then Lilith. "What happened?" Lilith asked. I could have sworn I saw some worry in her eyes. That almost made me smile. Almost.

Hamish was quiet, studying me as I took breath. "I... I don't really know myself," I said. "I came home after meeting with Trevor-" I cut myself off as I remembered what set me off. "A-after he kissed me," I said. I visibly saw Hamish tense, his eyes hardening at the name. Randall gave a look of 'what the absolute fuck', and Lilith gave a glare. Not precisely at me, but just a general glare at this added information.

"After that," I rushed on. "I went back to the apartment, changed, and mixed a drink for myself," I said, excluding the part of what I had mixed together, though Hamish probably knows by now.

"And what about the cuts?" Hamish finally asked. "Where did those come from?" He asked softly, not trying to sound mean or be too prying. I looked away from all three of them.

"I..." I started. "I kinda had a... a not so good feeling at that time," I said. I felt my eyes water.

They all stayed silent, letting me continue at my own pace. "Go on," Randall prompted quietly, telling me it's okay.

"I felt like a complete asshole. For the way I treated you guys," I looked at each of them in turn. "I thought if... If I did this again-"

"Wait, again?" Lilith interrupted, holding a hand up. "This happened before?" Gesturing to my legs with the same hand.

I gave her a nod. "I wasn't in the hospital though, but I have harmed myself in the past," I said quietly, I pulled the sheets away and lifted up the hospital gown to show scars on my right hip. They all looked and each gave a different reaction; Randall's mouth slightly open; Lilith looking away; and Hamish didn't say or do anything except clenching and unclenching his jaw. I put the gown and blanket back in place, and I looked at Hamish. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

Hamish shook his head. "Why did you do it, Z?" He asked me, his voice barely above a whisper. I looked at him and saw his eyes glassy.

"Each cut takes away the initial pain," I responded sadly. "But only for a moment. And in that moment, Hamish, I am tired of just existing," I said, not knowing any other way of describing or saying how I feel or why I do it. "I mess every relationship up I have ever had. I messed this-" I gestured between us. "-up,"