Things That Fade

Epilogue

… This grass is wet; maybe it had rained the previous night. I can’t be sure. Or perhaps, though it’s been years, I’m still pining; still crying. Perhaps, though it’s been years, I’m still that same young girl; lost and lonely.

“It’s quiet today, isn’t it? The weather seems amicable too.”

            … The weather. Has it been so long? Has it really been so long, that I’ve run out of things to say? That I’ve been reduced to commenting on the weather? It feels as if it’s been ages since the last time I saw him.

“… I’m doing well. I’ve… been getting better, I think. Although that much is to be expected; I mean, it’s been years after all.”

            This is all I can do now; all I can ever do. Talk about myself, because I can neither talk about you nor ask about you. Not when I know your only reply.

“I’m… I’m sorry. I know I should have visited you sooner. But I just… I’ve had so many things going on and… I’ve been busy and…”

            Lies. Excuses. Rationalizations. Nothing more than things I say to myself to justify my absence. Things I tell myself just so I wouldn’t have to admit one simple truth.

“… I’ve been afraid. I know it’s pathetic of me, but please… please understand and please forgive me for being such a coward. I should have… I should have come to see you sooner…”

            My face feels flushed. My eyes stung, and I felt a dull ache in my chest. This was a feeling I knew too well.

“I wish you’d say something. I wish you wouldn’t sit there so silently…”

            But silence was all that there was now. I sat quietly for a few minutes, when suddenly, a chilling breeze shook me out of my reverie.

“You know… I was just thinking. I used to love hearing your voice. It felt like I was listening to music. And the things you would say? My God. You had me hanging on your every word; your every syllable. Even when we would fight; when we would disagree… I remember you once told me in the middle of an argument, that I ought to leave you; that I ought to regret having met you. And I was so mad. I was furious, because in that moment, I couldn’t even remember what we were arguing about, but I was so sure that it wasn’t so huge that it would warrant something like that. But you wouldn’t back down. No, you were stubborn like that. You told me that I’d regret you. You told me that I’d regret falling in love with you. The while you weren’t sure how and you weren’t sure when, you’d mess things up; that you would ruin everything, because that’s just what you do, and it’s just what you’re good at.”

            I could feel a sharp pang biting into my chest. Yet another breeze blew by, and suddenly, I heard a soft chime; barely audible of a tinkle it was, and yet it had managed to command all my attention.

            It was his bell. I almost forgot that I had tied it to my handbag this morning. And as I stared at that pretty round thing, I couldn’t help but feel… this heat, swelling up in my chest.

“… What are you doing to me…”

            I could feel a sob coming along, and try as I might to hold it in, it slips out anyway.

“… What are you doing to me damn it? I know… I know I ought to be sad, and I am, believe me, but right now what I feel is… anger. I’m mad. I’m so mad at you, Catchy; furious even. And I hate it. I’ve been crying all this time because it makes me so mad --  And I hate it. I’ve been crying all this time because it makes me so mad – you make me so mad. You promised! You promised me! You promised me that you would be there when I came back. You promised me that you would be there! That I would be able to find you! But I couldn’t… I can’t. I can’t Catchy. I really want to see you Catchy, I really do, but I can’t and it makes me so mad. I’m mad at you for leaving. I’m mad at you, for leaving this hole in my life that, for the longest time, I thought I could never fill. I’m mad at you for just… being gone. For leaving me behind, and leaving all our promises, all our plans, and all our dreams… for just letting them fade away. For leaving me here, with not much else to do but add them on the list of things that fade. And I know I should have visited you sooner, but I was afraid – terrified. I didn’t know if I should visit you when I still feel this way. I know I know… Not trying to make up for excuses. I just… in the end, I guess I was just afraid. I… guess that’s all it is, in the end.”

I heave a heavy hearted sigh, and before I knew it, my tears had begun staining my dress. A few seconds passed with my not saying anything, before the right words finally came to me.

“… Please. Please forgive me. For not coming to visit sooner.”

            40 percent of all bicycle related accidents involve a rider colliding with another road user. Thirty five percent of those accidents lead to fatalities. I knew the statistics well. I knew them by heart. I spent countless sleepless nights studying them. And as I think on those nights, I could hear footsteps from behind me.

“… How are you holding up?”

            I turn to the source, and muster up a smile.

“I’m fine. Just paying my respects.”

“Alright. I’ll be in the car if you need me, okay?”

“Of course.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

            I watched him walk away, when suddenly I felt something tugging on my hair.

“Why are you crying?”

            I smile softly at her.

“No sweetie, I was just wiping some dust out of my eye.”

“Oh. Next time, tell me so I can help take care of the dust monsters.”

“Oh of course I will darling. Now, go on ahead to daddy. Mommy will be right behind you, okay?”

“Okay. But mommy, who’s that?”

            As she pointed at the headstone in front of me, I couldn’t help but feel yet another pang in my chest.

“… He was an old friend of mommy, dear. Now, go on ahead to the car.”

            I kissed her softly on the cheek and watched her rush off. And as I do so, I wipe away my tears, and turn to Catchy.

“… She’s seven now. Hard to believe that it’s been ten years… she… she reminds me of you, sometimes.”

            I shiver slightly as yet another chill breeze blows by.

“Catchy I… I know you’re not really gone. I know you’re watching over me now. And thank you. I’m… beyond glad that I met you. And wherever you are, if you’re beating yourself up about not being able to keep your promise then don’t worry because I forgive you. I know where to find you, whenever I need and want to see you. I think I always have, I just didn’t realize it. And I’m so thankful that I managed to spend the time I did with you. And even though you’re gone I want you to know that… I’m happy now. I was so lost when I lost you that I didn’t know if I’ll ever see any light again. But… people helped me. And I remembered that you wanted me to be happy. That’s… That’s all you ever wanted for me. So… I’ll be happy. For me, for my family… and for you.”

            I give the small bell tied to my bag a shake, and smile as warmly as I could; the smile he fell in love with. The same smile that crawled onto my face whenever he was near.

“… I promise.”

            I paused for a few seconds, said a short prayer, and stood up, but not before kissing my fingers lightly, and touching his grave.

            Seven days. Seven last days with you, and seven last days to look inside my heart. And Catchy? If you can hear me…

… I saw you too.