A LEAP OF FAITH

Third Step

San Francisco, California

January 1, 2002

12:05 a.m.

Gia

My plan wasn't working. Dammit. My plan didn't work.

I had practically insulted him, thrown everything I thought I knew about him and men like him to his face, and yet he was still here. Still here, even closer, standing behind me, his hand, strong and warm, over mine. He was so close I could almost feel his chest behind my back. I stiffened my shoulders and tried to appear nonchalant, praying that he won't see through the veneer of indifference I've adopted.

"You say you've known men like me before, that you've loved men like me before, but I can assure you, that you had not," I heard him say softly from behind me, his voice husky, his accent almost unnoticeable. "Because if you had, you would not be spending tonight alone, celebrating the New Year on your own."

I couldn't help but close my eyes as I listened to him, wishing he'd keep talking, happy with just that. The loneliness of the last five years reared its ugly head, reminding me of how long it's been since a man had been this close, since I've let a man be this close. For once I didn't care that everything I had said was true. The realization made me feel raw and exposed, and I swallowed the lump of fear that was in my throat. This was always how it started... I know this all too well.

I turned around swiftly, before I could guard my eyes. I wanted to ask him why he was here, why he was really here, and what he wanted from me. However, I feared that I would be willing to give him just that right now, whatever the consequence may be. The reminder that for every decision there was an effect made me put my back up, and I hardened my gaze. Above me his face was inscrutable, the dark brown irises focused on me entirely.

He clenched his jaw, bringing focus to his high cheekbones, the almond shaped eyes just above them intent. His lips looked impossibly soft. Even from this angle they looked inviting, warm. I was beset with a curiosity that I couldn't restrain, and try as hard as I can I couldn't stop thinking about touching them with my fingers.

"You speak in terms of probability and predictability..." He continued. "And yet you fail to recognize that human beings have something on their side." I sent a questioning look his way, a little surprised that even after the verbal lashing I gave him, that he could still sound so calm, when other men would not be so. "The ability to make a decision that can change everything. The time to be able to figure things out. You put emphasis on this..." I fought the urge to close my eyes as he smoothed the hair over my forehead. "...But not this," he finished, pointing to where my heart would be before he pulled his hand away.

"The heart is nothing but a muscle," I said, forcing my voice to stay emotionless. "It's too fragile to be trusted with such important matters."

He continued looking at me, his eyes searching for any truth in mine. And yet he didn't touch me again. I started panicking when it came to me that I had not wanted him to pull away, that I didn't want to pull myself away... That I wanted to burrow closer to him instead. Closer to his warmth. Closer to the life that was practically pouring out of him.

"What about attraction?" he asked. "You can deny it all you want but I know what I've seen, and I know that you felt what I felt. What of that?"

So he did realize... That I had gone to the roof to escape whatever this was. We were both adults, both fairly experienced. Desire was an emotion we had both felt before. Inside my chest my heart was pounding, unused to the sensations that I was feeling after so many years. I tried to slow my breathing down, though my mouth remained dry. I tried to remind myself... That this was just a physical reaction. I told myself it was just the hormones doing its magic on me, and maybe on him, too. I understood all these things on a purely intellectual level, and knew that if I could just get away from him I would be safe. I would be fine.