A LEAP OF FAITH

Prologue

December 1992

Gia

"No one will love you like I love you, " he whispered and I felt the tears fall down my face. I wished I had a sleeping bag, a box even. Anything to protect me from him. "You understand, right?" He asked as I felt fingers grasping my chin to turn my face towards his. His dark eyes bore into mine, his voice lowering even more. "Say it again. Say you'll leave me again."

I bit the inside of my cheek as I tried to break my face out of his grasp. Upon seeing this, his hand tightened even more and I closed my eyes as a pained moan came out of me. I was already having trouble opening my left eye. The swelling had begun after the second blow. My tongue tasted the rust on my lips and I shivered in the cold.

My good eye focused on him, his face no longer belonging to someone I knew. Someone I loved. The Marcus I had fallen in love with no longer existed, had ceased to exist two months ago, the first time he hit me, the same time my father threw me out of our house. I had known he was going to be trouble when I first met him, but had forged ahead anyway, my heart convinced that there was more to him than what I first saw.

I might have left him then have I had anywhere else to go. I might have gone had I had the strength, the will. But I didn't.

He promised it was the last time, and it had been... until the next time it happened. Then I realized it had only been the first time, but the realization came too late. I was already way in over my head and had nowhere to run.

It was a secret, he said. Our secret. it had been a secret I had guarded fiercely, believing that it kept us together, holding onto the illusion of what we were rather than accepting what we actually are. It was a secret that I no longer wanted to keep.

"Say it," he whispered again, his voice deceptively gentle.

"I'm leav..." I was interrupted by a slap to the face and I reeled from the sharp pain.

He hit me with so much force that I fell to the floor, my arm hitting the bookcase on the way down. Don't cry out loud, I told myself, don't cry out loud. I pushed myself to the corner of the room and cradled my elbow, the throbbing already starting. I closed my eyes as I tried to quickly think of where I should go, to no success. I opened my eyes to see him stalking to me, his palm open. Crouching even lower, I covered my face with my hands as I prepared myself for another blow.

He knelt down in front of me and I held my breath, the tears drying on my cheeks. He ran a hand down my hair tenderly and I cowered from his touch. I knew better now than to trust his hands again. I knew better than to believe in his 'tenderness.' I knew better than to believe in anything anymore.

"You know I'm doing this because I love you, right? Why do you make me do this?" He asked and I didn't respond. "I'm doing this because we have to be together. I'll kill you if you leave me."

Why? I thought. Why do we have together? Was this what I deserved? Are you what I deserve?

There were so many things I wanted to say, so many things I wanted to ask. But the fear of more pain kept me silent, my cowardice shaming me, especially now. He waited for an answer for a few minutes and upon seeing that I was offering no response, released a frustrated breath and stood up.

I watched warily as he walked towards the door, convinced that he would turn back to deliver another hit. He hadn't left me alone in two months. Not for one minute. I doubted that he would today, but this had been the worst of our fights. Maybe this time he will leave. Maybe this time I will have my chance. I didn't allow myself to breathe until I heard the door close behind him, and only then did I allow myself to cry.