A LEAP OF FAITH

Eleventh Step

Eleventh Step
Severance Hospital
Seoul, Korea
July 10, 2002
11:30 a.m.
Jung Jin

I paced the hallway outside Ji Soo's hospital room, a giant bouquet of flowers in my arms. Similarly I also carried a half dozen balloons, in differing bright colors. On my other arm was a bucket of fried chicken, the kind my sister liked, along with the imperial samgyetang that she favored whenever she was ill.

If I had managed to find a giant stuffed animal I might have brought that as well, but thinking back now I realized that might have been a bit overkill.

It was bad enough that I felt like I was trying to buy my sister's forgiveness.

I looked at my reflection on the glass of a framed artwork on the wall, noting that though I still had bags under my eyes, at least I looked normal. Clean shaven. Ji Soo would never know that I had spent the first four weeks after Gia left in hell unless our siblings already told her, which I had no doubt they did. It's taken me another two weeks to work up the courage to actually come see her, knowing that she would ask me questions, or, God forbid, treat me with an indifferent silence.

I almost half expected my younger sister to blow up my phone, just as Shawn and the rest of our family had done in the immediate period after Gia left. That she had not was more upsetting.

In my life I have been adored by many women, but the only one that ever really mattered was Ji Soo. I had always managed to shield her from the truth of my life, somehow always managed to keep my image clean and sparkling for her. The age gap between us assured me that it would always be so, until now.

She would blame me for what happened with Gia. She had already said she would never forgive me if I fucked that up. I dreaded the feeling of accusation and guilt, but she can't possibly make me feel worse than I already did on a day to day basis.

I had already taken responsibility in what I did to contribute to her leaving, as well as what I did after she left.

What was another person blaming me for all this?

I had gloriously, and decidedly, fallen from grace.

I supposed that if one had to do it, it might as well be worth seeing. And God only knows that I had done just that.

I continued to pace, keeping my eyes averted from the industrial cream that covered the walls.

I had always hated being in a hospital; it was a bleak reminder of my first few months after the crash. The negative feelings were further reinforced by Joon's injury. But now, I didn't mind it so much, even though being here reminded me so much of Gia that it felt like the wind has been knocked out of me, like I'd been punched in the gut.

But then again, everything reminded me of her. It seemed as if I had learned to live my life feeling like a punching bag on a daily basis.

Missing her had become a part of my DNA. Thinking about her was now a part of my habits; it was what I did when I first wake up and when I go to bed. I wonder how she's doing as I brush my teeth, I worry about where she could be as I drive to work in the morning. All this thinking, all this wondering and worrying had become as instinctive to me as breathing.

People will say I haven't moved on, that I haven't even made the effort to try. But how can I get over something that was in my blood? How do I stop loving someone when loving that person has become the best part of who I am?

Besides, strangely, I didn't mind the pain. It almost felt like it kept the memories of her, the memories of us, alive. Here. Anchored in this space, where I still have to be and yet she no longer was.