I don't know what's happened, I keep saying things I never say.
* * * * *
For the second time this week, I woke with Luke's scent filling my senses. This time though, I was the only one under the sheets, and there was a piece of paper placed on the pillow Luke slept on the night before.
I groggily sat up and read the note:
Tessa,
I'm sorry this dweeb annoyed you last night, he's ridiculous when he's drunk. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again.
-Jack
I rolled over with a groan and pulled myself out of bed. Luckily, my mother spent the night at the hospital so I didn't have to explain why both of the Hemmings boys were in my room this morning.
After eating a bowl of cereal for breakfast, I got dressed and left for work.
***
Olive noticed I was looking slightly troubled all day and took great interest in hearing about Luke.
Much to my dismay, she pressured and pressured me until I told her everything that happened, including the most recent incident.
"So what's your fault here?" Olive said with the air of someone much more mature. "He came to your house drunk and kissed you. You didn't make the mistake, he did."
"My mistake," I said staring down at my worn shoes. "Is that I kissed him back. And I liked it. I like him. But I shouldn't. I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because he'll leave me again, and If I care for him in this way, it'll hurt even worse."
***
Luke
I stared at the tall glass of tomato juice in front of me as both of my bothers felt the need to lecture me on the dangers of emotional drinking and spending the night at a girl's house when I could barely even form comprehensive words.
"Maybe you should just stay away from Tessa for while. The last thing you need is a restraining order on your hands." Ben said with a chuckle.
Without a word, I glared at him over the top of my glass.
"Just make some better decisions, little brother." Jack gave me a hard slap on the back before he and Ben left me alone in the kitchen.
I pressed my lips into a line as I thought hard about my next move. I knew it was a bad idea, and someone was bound to yell at me for it, but even after all those drinks I could still taste her on my lips an I wanted answers.
***
I drove by her house and noticed her car was gone so I headed to the library as my next best guest. Sure enough, her beat up green jeep sat in the employee parking lot.
Inside, I wandered around the fiction section for a while, trying to work up the courage to go and find her. Right as I had decided to give up on my endeavor, a little girl no taller than my hip with bright red hair stopped me from leaving the aisle.
"I like that one." She said simply. I looked down and noticed I had been absent mindedly flipping through a book titled Looking For Alaska.
"Oh, I Uh- I've never read it. Do you think you could maybe put it away, I don't remember where I got it."
I tried to hand the book to the girl, but she just shook her head and pointed to a girl pushing a cart down the aisle. "That's her job, she'll put it back for you."
The cart girl pushed back a lock of brown hair and I suddenly realized it was her. My heart thumped in my chest, with excitement or anxiety I wasn't sure.
The little girl noticed my fear and grabbed my hand. "Come on, she doesn't bite." She laughed a little as I couldn't help but give in to her tugging. "At least I don't think so." She gave a slightly puzzled look but continued walking.
"Tessa!" She called out and I could feel the heat in my cheeks start to rise.
She looked up with a smile at the girls voice which quickly disappeared as we made eye contact.
"Tessa, I-" I choked on my words. What did I want to say? I'm sorry? I lo- No. Of course not.
She tore her gaze away from me and looked at the little girl. "Olive, could you leave us alone for a bit. I'll explain later." The girl understood enough, and scurried off with only a little glance back at us.
"What are you doing here, Luke?" She folded her arms over her chest as she addressed me.
"I honestly don't know." I fumbled with my feet. "I was thinking about last night and then I ended up here. I'm sorry, I should just leave."
"Last night?" To my surprise, she actually smiled. "It's okay Luke, no big deal, nothing to get worked up about."
I was taken back. Had she remembered last night the way I did? She kissed me. Yes, she most definitely kissed me.
I shook my head slightly in confusion. "No, what? I- We-we slept in the same bed. You kissed me!"
"Oh." Tessa's cheeks turned scarlet. "You remember that?"
"Yeah, I remember that. And you tried to play it off like it was nothing."
"Luke," she suddenly looked shocked. "You're the one who said we're just friends! I just didn't want to bring up last night and ruin it."
I hung my head, not in shame but exhaustion. Then I brought my head up, looked her straight in the eye, and let a few words pour out of my mouth. "You fuck me up."
"What?" Tessa's eyes went wide.
"You. Fuck. Me. Up." I clenched my jaw, I was also shocked at my words but I tried not to let it show. "One second you're friendly, then you're lovey, and then you hate me. What do you want, Tessa! Because I don't know how much longer I can play your game."
"I- I don't know, Luke." Her big brown eyes starting to shine with new tears and she swallowed hard. "I want you, but... I'm scared."
I watched a single tear track down her cheek and a wave of guilt washed over me. "Tessa." I gently cupped my hand over her cheek, wiping away the tears. "What are you scared of?"
She placed her own soft hand over top mine and closed her eyes. To my surprise, she turned her face into my palm and gave it a small kiss. She slowly pulled my hand away from her cheek and finally answered.
"I'm scared," she said in a small voice as she played with my fingers. "Because you are everything to me. And I don't think I can survive losing you again."
Without hesitation, I pulled her into my arms. Her head rested perfectly in my chest and I placed a small peck on the top of her head. "There's nothing to worry about, T, I'm so sorry but I'm here now. Forever. I won't leave you again. I promise."
