In The Clear | ✓

20 | when the bough breaks

Choosing acting as a career was something Jensen did because falling in love with Miles meant she would have a public image, no matter what she did. Teaching wasn't going to work when students only wanted questions answered about Hollywood and who was dating who. Acting was something Jensen loved, but she only pursued it wholeheartedly when she knew that she and Miles were going to spend the rest of their forever together. 

            Six years of consistently attending auditions had not made them any less nerve-wracking for Jensen. Even after upping her Lexapro dose to be a full time actor, studio buildings made her heart pound. Driving to the buildings made her palms sweat. Jensen hated going to Walker Studios' Vancouver branch terrified her and she was technically the next person in line to receive it if something bad happened to Miles.

            Jensen found it worse that Diana Thomas was her final destination. The only director who had intimidated her more was Keira. Jensen understood the irony of Keira recommending her to Diana and being nervous about both of them.

            Studio E was a familiar anvil on Jensen's chest. Panic frequented every limb on her body each step she took through the studio. It made her feel heavy and weighed down. Her heart drummed in her ears. It was harder to breathe each step she took.

            Jensen walked up to a desk, taking a quick look at the clipboard on the table and the side. It wasn't for what Jensen was looking for.

            "Can I help you?" the receptionist asked.

            "I—um." Jensen felt like her throat was closing. "Jensen Rhodes. Here for Diana Thomas."

            The receptionist nodded to a chair. "Take a seat."

            Jensen nodded and walked over. Crossed her ankles. Uncrossed them. Pulled at her hair. After half an hour of messing with her hair and makeup that morning, Miles had come in and winged eyeliner for her and done simple eye makeup. For her hair, Jensen had tied her curls up, but left a couple out on each side to frame her face. Tugging at her curls was about all she could do to not focus on her panic.

            "Do you know when Diana will be here?"

            "When she's here."

            "I—" A sharp breath hitched in her throat. "I'm—I have to go to the washroom. Could you please let Diana know I'm here if she comes out?"

            "Make it quick and you shouldn't have to worry."

            Jensen scrambled to her feet and sped to where she knew the bathroom was. Her chest grew hot while she walked. Fingernails clawed at her chest. She fanned her free hand at her chest in a weak attempt to cool herself down. When she got to the bathroom, she missed the tap the first time she reached for it. Finally getting the water to run she stuck her hands under the tap; shaking with nerves. Focused on the cold. Tried to breathe properly when her lungs felt filled with the water that ran from the tap.

            Jensen met her eyes in the mirror. "Pull your-fucking-self together."

            She watched her eyebrows knit together. Eyes soften. Was that really how she spoke aloud to herself?

            "Please."

            Jensen always told Rocky to use her manners. Apparently she'd found the one instance they didn't work. She was far from pulling herself together. Jensen couldn't breathe. Every attempted inhale was short and choppy. In movies, she could've taken a paper bag and breathed twice before feeling better.