Unconfessed Sins

Chapter 2

Chapter Two

The next day the sun was shining. The rain had stopped, but still the wind growled around the walls of the old convent. Mother Superior was again in her office, writing up notes for a conference when she suddenly remembered something. Sister Anna had certainly upset her equilibrium!

Feeling like a hypocrite she walked to her bookcase and took from it a small blue leather bound Latin book. There, still there after all of these years, was the letter. His letter hidden in the back of the book, written with anguish of heart. She had broken her lover's heart, she knew that, but God had to be obeyed and she loved him more. More than any living thing. She yearned for God's presence even now. A lifetime of yearning, but where did it get her? She felt more alone now, than ever in her life before... Oh, such foolish thoughts! She was not well, that was all. Of course she was not alone! God would never forsake her. Why did her mind ramble so? It was all of this bother, with Sister Anna. All this fuss! She had brought to mind things long hidden, long forgotten.

Mother Superior took the letter from the book and sat down on the soft chair at the side of the fireplace, where a small fire glowed in the grate. She withdrew the letter from the envelope and unfolded it. She read again, for the last time the sad, but heartfelt words which Alec had written to her.

My Darling Yvette,

I still hope that after a while you will find that you miss me. I miss you. I miss you more as each day passes. Please come back, I am near to passing my exams and have hopes of a good job in the Bank. I will soon be able to support a wife and maybe a child.

I always knew you were religious, I admired you for it, but how can you leave me and the love we had to go and live with other women? I hate the thought of you there in that old place, praying and living in that way, with those strange creatures. They can't be human! They way they dress and the way they live!

Don't you miss those long, passionate nights we spent together? I can still smell your perfume and taste your kisses. I remember the softness of your body lying next to mine. You were sensual beyond my wildest imaginings, my darling Yvette. I still love you, I will always love you.

Please, Yvette, come back to me! I find it hard to live without you. Why are you doing this to me? Why? I can find no reason. There are plenty of other women who can be called to be nuns, why does it have to be you? What am I going to do? Please, for pity's sake, Yvette, think about me. Spare a thought for me.

I will always love you and only you.

Alec

Even now, his written words filled her with pain. She had deeply regretted hurting him, but not giving her life to God. If Alec hadn't mentioned children would she have been swayed? Even, perhaps if he had come to the convent to see her, may she have changed her mind? But no, he did not come and certainly, she would not have changed her mind.

She had loved Alec, but not enough. She often thought, if they hadn't used contraceptives, she may not even be in the convent. She could be with him now, perhaps with their child. It was not a pleasing thought. She didn't like children and hated the thought of being a mother, the whole idea was abhorrent to her.

After leaving Alec, she'd tortured herself for many weeks over the sins they'd committed together. Whilst confessing it to God, she'd pleaded with Him to show her that she'd been forgiven. One day, praying in her local church, a butterfly had settled on her coat sleeve. She knew, when she saw it, that God was saying 'All is forgiven daughter. Go in peace.' Why it was a butterfly, she never knew, but that was the way God worked. He dealt with each person in a personal way and they knew what he was saying to them. After weeks of torture, she found peace and later began her new life in the convent, although her sins had never been confessed to a priest. She could remember, even now, the judgmental looks on the nuns faces and the priest at the time. She felt too much shame to confess to them!

Watching the fire burning in the grate, Mother Superior put the letter back into it's envelope. She stood up and moving close to the fire, tore the envelope in two and threw it into the flames. The orange flames quickly licked around the paper, leaving behind a grey, charred fragment in the fire.

Mother Superior gasped for breath as a sudden agonising pain shot through her body and stumbling towards the soft chair, threw herself into it. Gradually, the pain subsided. She prayed with all of her heart that her blood sisters would come to visit her, before it was too late.