Unconfessed Sins

Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Father Liam stood in front of the hall mirror and moved his head from side to side. People were forever telling him that he looked like the actor, Spencer Tracey, but he couldn't see it himself although he was of the same stocky build. He quickly ran a brush through his thick, grey hair which needed regular cutting, but he was often too busy to think about it until his housekeeper mentioned the fact. Dear Mrs Haines, what would he do without her? She came in daily to cook his meals and clean the house for him. Her apple pies were legendary!

He closed the front door and walked down the front path to the road where his car stood waiting. He was taking confession for the nuns at the convent today. Whilst he drove along, he thought what a waste of time it was, they were such good women and such small sins they confessed. He wondered sometimes, if perhaps he should never have become a priest, so many things about the catholic church irked him so, confession being one of them. Were other priests as rebellious as him, he wondered? But nevertheless, not once had he regretted his decision to become a priest and he had wholeheartedly kept his vows. His life was full and overflowing.

He sat in the Confessional box to hear the nuns' confession. They were such every day things, which were nothing at all to the awful sins he heard occasionally from his parishioners.

'I beat my wife she had to go to A & E. She has a black eye and two broken ribs...'

'I stole £200 from my mother's bank account...'

'I had an affair with another woman...My husband knows nothing...'

On and on it goes, he thought. Will they never learn? How many times had he told them that 'Repentance' meant turning away from sin and not doing it again?

He heard each of the nuns' confession. Again, small sins which in the overall realm of things were nothing at all. He gave them each a small penance. Two 'Hail Mary's' or Three and sometimes also an 'Our Father.'

Soon it was the turn of Mother Superior. He sensed tension from her as soon as she sat in the box. He was worried about her, she didn't easily confide in others and she'd been quieter than usual when they'd met the other evening. She had claimed tiredness, but he felt there was something else bothering her. Perhaps now he would find out?

Their friendship had grown over the last three years since he had moved to this area and started in the Parish of St Joseph. He deeply valued her friendship and it had helped him a great deal, spiritually. They read the same books and often shared spiritual truths together.

"Will you hear my confession Father, for I have sinned." Her mellifluous voice rang softly through the confessional, it always made the hairs on his neck stand up on end. It was like the voice of an angel speaking, he felt.

"Yes, my daughter, I will hear your confession."

He wondered what she would say today? It was usually her feelings of low self esteem and the fact that she felt she was not good enough. He didn't have long to wait.

"I don't know what to do Father...I'm sick, but I'm finding it so hard to tell the sisters...they depend on me..."

"Sick? What do you mean sick? Why didn't you tell me? This is not a matter for confession..."

"Well, not sick, dying....I have cancer. I've refused treatment, I don't want the time I have left being spoilt by that awful Chemotherapy, just to give me a few more months. I'm dreading telling the sisters, they will fuss so..."

Father Liam was seldom angry, but anger boiled up inside him now. She was dying? Did their friendship mean nothing to her? He didn't speak to her, but exited the confessional box and went to her. Placing his hand under her elbow he pulled her gently to her feet. He could feel his face glowing with anger as he pulled her through the chapel and out of the door. They walked quickly until they reached her office, nuns looking startled as they passed by. Seeing Father Liam angrily escorting Mother Superior along with his hand on her arm, was not a sight they'd seen before.

They reached her office, but before he could speak, she railed on him.

"Sit down, Father. Don't you dare get angry with me! This is my problem, not yours!" She removed his hand from her arm as if it was a dirty thing and pushed him into the soft chair by the fireplace.

"But... I'm your friend..." he stuttered. "In God's name, why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, now you know! What are you going to do about it? Can you heal me?"

She threw herself into the other soft chair and started to weep, then glancing across at Liam she said "Please, just sit quietly I will compose myself and then we can have a conversation." She pulled a tissue from her pocket and dabbed at her eyes.

Liam sat quietly and several seconds ticked by and then she spoke, acidly.

"You blasphemed God's name Father, how could you?"

"I'm sorry. It's not something I usually do." he replied. "You've shocked me, is all." As his anger subsided he could feel a large lump form in his throat. Tears threatened, but he willed them away.

"I'm sorry too, I should have told you the other night, but Sister Anna was in my thoughts. They have given me six months....will you tell the sisters for me? You could announce it at lunch, they will all be here. We are holding a conference this afternoon, so no one will be working out in the community as normal."

"You want me," he said, tapping his finger on his chest, "to tell them, that you are dying? I can't get my head around it!"

She ignored his remarks and then replied.

"I do have a confession. I am terrified of dying and I don't understand why. I know where I will go. I believe in God, Jesus is my Saviour, so why do I feel like this? It is confusing me, Liam...I don't understand..." Her sad face looked across at him and his heart jumped.

"Life is all we know." he replied. "How can we know anything about death? No one dies and comes back to tell us what happens next. It is a mystery to us all. Anyway, Reverend Mother, you are ill and that is what confuses the mind, nothing more than that."

"That is not the answer I expected." said Mother Superior.

Father Liam was finding it hard to speak, because of the lump in his throat, "I have no other words..." he said.

After the initial shock they sat talking for some time and it was decided that Father Liam would tell the sisters about Mother Superior's illness. He would insist that they treat her with the same attitude as always, not giving way to any sentimental feelings, as she would not want it.

By mid afternoon, all the sisters at the convent knew the awful truth and each of them had been overawed by the knowledge. Their beloved Mother Superior had only six months to live.