Blood in the streets, Embracing My Darkness

Chapter 15

I woke up to feel may stirring underneath my arms "hey baby what are you doing up so early" i ask "oh i'm sorry i didn't mean to wake you i know you had a late shift last night i was just getting up to use the bathroom" may said in a tired raspy voice "no it's alright i need to be getting up soon anyway" i said stretching ad wiping my eyes as i yawn i am definitely not a morning person "how the baby doing" i yell to may "of you know being a pain and making me sick to my stomach" may says and i can sense her eye rolling from the bathroom i walk over to the bathroom and open the door to see may getting dressed and doing her makeup "you know we have to start brainstorming baby names reading baby books 3 times over isnt going to help with that" i said leaning against the door frame "i know but it's hard to think of names when we don't even know the gender of it yet" may says sounding defeated "i know but we still have to think of something we don't want it to get to the point where you go to deliver the baby and we still don't have a name" i explained "okay well for a girl i think Charlotte or Evelyn and for a boy i think Mason or Everet" may said with a shrug as she walks out of the bathroom and sit o the bed i go to sit next to her "for a girl i really like Nora and helen" i said "okay o way we are not naming our daughter helen" may said with a laugh "okay what if we compromise and do Ellen it's a mix between Evelyn and Helen" i said "okay i like Ellen what are your ideas for boy names" may said "i like Ryan and Adam" i said "oo i like Adam so it's settled for a girl it's going to be Ellen for a boy it'll be Adam" may said with a giant grin on her face i matched her smile "yup i can't wait to meet little Ellen or Adam" i said while putting my hand on her stomach "yup in a few more weeks we get to find out the gender i have an 18 week appointment but enough of the baby talk i need to go downstairs and make sure the library is ready to be open because we still have a library to run" may said and as she got up she kissed me cheek and started walking downstairs i walked back over to the bed to go back to sleep for at least a couple more hours 6am is way to early for anyone to get up i don't know why may insists on opening that early i lay down and try to go back to sleep but my head is running a million miles an hour about everything i've done i cant believe ive killed two girls how do i feel about this do i killed two girls and it made me feel good or happy i think i mean i've never really felt happy i never really felt anything some say its ptsd from with my parents that i've become numb but truth be told even before that i never felt anything i'm good at lying i've learned how to hide it ever since i was little well technical my mom taught me how to hide it when she learned i wasn't the average kid when i went to go to daycare i would hit the kids and destroy things and when my mom found out she sat down and talked to me taught me how to hide that side of me maybe thats why she left without me maybe she was embarrassed of me she knew the monster i would become and wanted to get out as soon as she could it's all starting to make sense but this is the first thing in my entire life where it made me feel happy or as close to happy as i can feel i may have started doing this on accident but i can't stop now i wont stop but may can never know what i've done especially now that she's pregnant i have a schedule a plan i know when i'm going to kill and how i'm going to kill the river was a little to open to go there again so i'll just have to start bringing them to the forest its secluded enough that no one will see me doing it and hopefully no one will find the bodies im going to kill every other day i'm going to kill on monday wednesday friday so i keep a schedule and hopefully not tip anyone off