My Mafia Marriage

18

When I got home, I told Jess what happened and then locked myself in my room. The reality of the situation began to weigh on me immediately, refusing to let me sleep, eat, or breathe. Mike sold me to Dave, a well-known sex trafficking criminal. Enzo and his men killed over 30 people because of me.

All of those people had families, maybe even children, and a wife. It's all my fault someone lost their dad, husband, and son. My guilty consciousness isn't ever letting me get away from this one.

It's now been four days since that dreadful night, and my mind hasn't given me a break. Images of those bodies constantly replay in my mind, refusing to let me forget my mistakes. Dave's cruel words and unwanted touch continues to haunt me. The feeling of his hands and gun on me makes me feel sick. I rubbed my skin until it was raw, yet his touch refused to go away, reminding me I'm his.

I've refused to leave my room for days, hardly eating, not sleeping, and crying my eyes out. I'm mourning the loss of those I don't know, left to wonder what their life could have been had I not been stubborn and listened to Enzo.

Worst of all, I know I deserve this for my childish actions. I deserve the sleepless nights, the nightmares, the trauma, the guilt, and the pain for what I caused. Every emotion I'm feeling is nothing compared to the grieving families of those, who were lost that night.

Times like these are when Mike and Brett's words humble me. I'm a mistake, burden, mess up, worthless, and I'm less than the average human. I deserve nothing in this world, and that's why I've been given the hand I'm dealt with.

It's easy to ignore their words, but after years of hearing them and so many mistakes I've made and continue to make, I believe them. I believe every last word they said to me without any doubts, and my brain will never let me forget it.

Instead of staying in my room tonight, I'm planning on going downstairs to the at-home theater when everyone is asleep. I'm hoping I don't see anybody since I haven't interacted with anyone in days, not that they didn't try to comfort me or get me to come out. I just needed time to process what happened.

My plan is to watch movies in the theater to distract myself from my thoughts and stop myself from sleeping so I won't be reminded of the past or the tragedy that happened days ago. At night is when the thoughts and nightmares worsen, so I try to stay awake to avoid it all.

Within the past few days, I've learned that I prefer forcing myself to stay awake with my thoughts over nightmares since they don't consist of vivid and gory flashbacks. My thoughts are horrible, but they don't have the power to show me what I've done until I close my eyes.

Slowly pushing myself out of bed, I ignore the nausea from not eating for days and throw on an oversized tee shirt, jacket, and gray sweats. I don't bother fixing my appearance or brushing my hair. Instead, I put it in a messy bun and begin my journey to the at-home theater.

It felt as if I got there in seconds, too busy with my thoughts to even comprehend what I'm physically doing and seeing. I plop down on the couch and mindlessly pick the first movie I see, not caring what it is.

My eyes begin to watch the screen, yet I don't understand or bother figuring out what's going on. My mind refuses to process what's happening around me or what I'm feeling anymore, leaving me completely numb.

Sighing, I lay my head back on the couch and close my eyes for a second, wanting to stop feeling so disconnected. When I get into these ruts, it takes months for me to get out. I'm spiraling into a dark hole, and I don't feel like I deserve to stop myself from falling into it.

Sadly, when I made the mistake of closing my eyes, I fell asleep, allowing my mind to drift to the past. The memory of Mike punching and scolding me for not cooking his dinner on time vividly plays through my mind. This memory is one of the most traumatizing since he called Brett into the room to help him punish me. I could handle them one at a time, but when they abused me together, they always left me barely alive.