I am numb.
And it hurts when you try to hold me.
I feel like hot peices of glass,
shattering any minute.
I lay here, next to you waiting for it to be over because even my own touch gives me goosebumps.
And I still stay covered up; not having the strength to move.
This is where I'm not dead but I'm not living..
I can only lay here for tonight, careless and breaking down with loud tears that say nothing.
It happens yearly.
It comes whenever.
It'll get to the point where I can't lift up my own body weight, and I don't have enough energy to talk to you.
This feeling is so deathly silent and calm you're scared of it.
This feeling doesn't drive me to death but doesn't keep me from it either.
This feeling is when even the things around you are trying to show you,
you're still here: you're still here.
Because you lose the 'care' to think if you actually are still here.
If I'm existing still
The words don't matter right now.
The words you say; when you try to live through this with me.
But this is my own disease.
This is my fault right, I must have done something wrong to deserve this.
Why else would everyone tell me to just get over it?
The scars could just go away..
And the memories wouldn't stay.
Like I could normalize the situation.
So I finally stopped.
Blaming that reason on me, It was practically my choice anyways.
I hid deep down and made sure no one knew what was happening.
Because I'm okay.
I don't have cuts anymore and my scars healed because I can just stop when someone tells me to.
and my brain finally let me eat,
I didn't lose my appetite every time, no way.
you told me if you did it. I can too.
I did my home work and I went to bed on time.
I burnt all the journals and made sure
I smiled.
I went outside because that should make me happier, and my emotions were only illusions.
If everyone thinks I'm okay, I must be.
Even when I'm not.
Because I never got enough sleep, and my brain still told me to not eat.
Everyday was meaningless.
And
This doesn't stop..
***
Please.
When I tell you I'm fine.
I'm lieing.
Because the cuts across my legs will keep getting deeper.
the scars will only add up until I disappear too.
My meals will keep getting smaller and my body will only keep getting weaker.
Don't believe it, I'm not okay.
when I tell you im fine there's so much more to it. Everyday is like a repeating cycle of having to listen to the same words and loud noises crowding my brain until I can't take it anymore.
This isn't a minor problem anymore.
Time is going so fast without the days actually moving.
I'm not afraid to die, only afraid to leave you behind.
I'm so sorry but it hurts too much to pretend.
I can't keep lieing to you when you ask me if
I'm okay.
