Love Me Again

Chapter 3

Cassandra's POV

"Cass..."

Bigla akong natigil sa pagbabalik tanaw sa nakaraan ng marinig ko ang mahinang pagtawag ni Trexy sa pangalan ko kasabay ng paghawak niya sa balikat ko.

I turned to look at her.

"Are you okay?" tanong niya na hindi itinago ang pag-aalaa sa boses.

I smiled at her half-heartedly. "I'm fine, Trex. Don't worry about me." I squeezed her hand on my shoulder to assure her.

However, since she's my goddamn bestfriend, I know she can see through me. Kaya hindi na ako nagulat ng tumayo siya at hinawakan ang kamay ko.

"Guys, excuse us lang ah. Solohin ko muna si Cassey." she told everyone and gave him a wink before she pulled me with her towards the seashore. At dahil hindi na rin naman ako naka-react, nagpatianod nalang ako sa paghila niya.

Ng medyo malayo na kami sa kanila ay naupo kami sa buhanginan. Matiim niya akong tinitigan na para bang sinusubukan niya akong basahin.

I heard her sigh. "I'm sorry, Cass. Hindi ko rin alam na pupunta pala siya. They invited him since he's been a part of the group din naman nung naging kayo." Trexy said guiltily.

Tipid akong ngumiti sa kanya. "It's okay, Trex. Hindi mo naman kasalanan na nandito siya. And besides, they're right. He's part of the group regardless of our circumstances."

I laid my back on the sand and stare at the night sky. I saw on my peripheral vision that Trexy is looking at me intently.

"How are you now?" she asked.

We never ceased talking over the years kahit malayo ako kaya updated siya sa lahat ng nangyayare sa buhay ko. She's my only confidante. Siya lang ang tanging nakakaalam ng lahat ng pinagdadaanan at nararamdaman ko.

"Still lost." I answered lifelessly.

"Cass.." she held my hand and looked at me helplessly.

Napangiti na naman ako nang mapait. I continued gazing at the stars in the sky. Na para bang masasagot lahat ng bumabagabag sa akin by staring at them.

"I really can't understand myself now, Trex. I don't know why after all these years, ngayon pa ako nakaramdam ng panghihinayang. Alam kong hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang naging desisyon ko noon because I was able to find myself. To be myself. Pero sa nararamdaman ko ngayon, I can't help but asked, have I really found myself? Coz if yes, then why do I feel lost again?"

Hinawakan niya ng mahigpit ang kamay ko. "You've been through a lot, Cass. Alam natin pareho na hindi rin naging madali ang pinagdaanan mo for trying to fight for who you really are and what you really want. Also, your relationships after James weren't as ideal as what you previously had with him. Kaya siguro when both didn't work out, bigla mong hinanap ang klase ng relasyon na meron ka sa kanya noon."

I felt my eyes glistened with tears. I let it fall as I felt a pang of pain in my chest. I've been crying a lot for the past years.

Akala ko, nahanap ko na ang sarili ko. Akala ko, at last, sasaya na ako dahil napalaya ko na yung sarili ko.

Yes, I've been happy. Kasi nagawa ko yung mga bagay na hindi ko inakala noong kaya ko palang gawin. Mga bagay na gusto ko palang gawin.

Pero temporary lang din pala ang saya. Grabeng sakit naman ang kapalit.

Sometimes, I wonder if what I've been through was my karma for what I've done to James.

"I just wanted to be happy, Trex. I even defied my own family just so I could fight for who I am and who I chose to love. But why wasn't that enough? Why did I have to go through all these pain? Was I really that cruel to deserve all these?" I questioned painfully.