Risking it All

21

I watched in pain as Nick was wheeled down to an operating room. I was well enough to go home, and Mom said I should. "Just because he's in there, doesn't mean you should stay," she told me. "But Mom," I protested. "He stayed here for me. I have to for him!" Mom just shook her head and handed me my phone. "I'll drive you home, but I want you to your room and sleep, okay?" I sighed and followed her out to the car. But I took another painful look down the hallway and saw Nick going to his operating room. Every muscle in my body wanted me to run down the corridor and see him. I wanted to jump into his arms. I wanted the doctors to somehow magically put the kidney inside him without an operation. There's a lot of things I wished for. "Mackenzie!" my mom called and I ran away from my love.

Mom was right about the sleep thing, I really did need it. At around 2 o'clock I woke up. I looked out my window to find rain pouring down. The wind blew the trees around like rag dolls. The whole world seemed to be upset. I rolled over and pulled the blankets over me. Buried under my cave, I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. But my mom's knocking on my door woke me up. She held a vase full of peach roses, my favorite. "Who are those from?" I asked. She smiled. "Nick," she said. "I told him you like peach ones." I smiled at the bouquet of flowers, feeling as though Nick was right there in the roses. "Do you want to come join us for breakfast?" Mom asked.
I groaned in response. Mom sighed. "Honey, I know you're upset, but you can't stay in bed forever. You can't do anything to help. All what we have to do is wait." I sat up immediately. "Mom," I protested. "He's been in surgery for 9 hours. And you're telling me there's nothing to worry about? That's not even healthy!" I sat on the edge of my bed and held my head in my hands. "How long does a kidney transplant take?" I asked.
Mom came over and sat down next to me. She ran her fingers through my hair. "I'm sure that he is just resting now," she said. "Does that mean I can see him? I asked. She shook her head. "It's not going to help anything," she told me. "I don't care!" I cried. "I just need to see him! I need to know of he's okay!" Mom rubbed my back. "I can assure you he's fine," she said. I stood up. "How do you know?" She didn't respond. "I don't," she said. "But I know that you shouldn't worry about him. Have you ever heard of someone who died of a kidney transplant?"
That made the tears come out. "Oh honey," she said as she embraced me. "I didn't mean to say it like that." I silently cried into my mother's shoulder. "But you shouldn't have to worry about Nick dying. It's a simple operation. He can't die from it." I pulled away from her. "No, but I'm nervous about a paralyzed boy getting a kidney transplant," I said, sniffling. Mom nodded. I could tell she was trying to be empathetic, but she couldn't put herself into my shoes. No one could.
When Mom left, I just laid on my bed. Nick wasn't next to me. I had no on to hold hands with. I closed my eyes and tried so hard to think about laying down in the field with Nick, lacing his fingers into mine, looking up at the stars trying to form constellations. I walked over to my bookshelf and pulled out The Fault in our Stars by John Green. I had read the book already, my life so similar to Hazel Lancaster and Augustus Waters.
I don't know how long I read, but I didn't answer my phone or anything because I was too busy into reading. I had nothing else better to, just like Hazel. Except she read An Imperial Affliction by Peter Van Houton.
"Because that's the thing about pain.
It demands to be felt."- John Green.