Risking it All

20

I could hear people whispering. I knew I was awake, but I just didn't want to open my eyes. I thought about the dream I had. It was only dream, and I knew it. I knew it because I had two legs.
I don't know what made me want to open my eyes, but I did. The first thing I saw, sadly, was my mother. What? It's not like I was expecting my boyfriend, or somehow being able to go back in time and going back to the Fourth of July. Okay maybe I did. Maybe a little.
"How are you feeling?" she asked me. I groaned and rubbed my head. "Pretty good, I guess," I told her. She nodded. It didn't feel like I had a surgery. I didn't feel different. Was I supposed to? I fell back against the pillows and closed my eyes. I just want to sleep. Why can't the world just go away?

When I woke back up, Mom wasn't there. I checked my phone and was surprised to see no texts from her. Though I was surprised to see my phone read 11:23. I looked around. My hospital room was completely empty. I missed Nick. I wondered if he was still in surgery. I was about to doze off again when I saw a glimpse of movement outside my door. Nick then rolled into my room. My eyes lit up at the sight if him. "Nick!" I cried. He wheeled himself over to me and gave me an awkward hug. He was in a hospital chair, and he looked uncomfortable being in it. "Are you okay?" he asked. I smiled and swallowed a tear. "I'm more than perfect, Nick. Are you okay?" He sighed. "I don't feel good, but I don't feel worse. How about you? They told me you were sick." I nodded. "I'm a lot better," I said.
I sighed in relief. Thank God he didn't have the surgery. "Well," he said. "I just wanted to check on you. I should get back." He grabbed the wheels and started to leave. Tell him! I thought. He grabbed the door handle. He stopped in front of the door and didn't leave. "What's wrong?" I asked. He rolled back over to me. "I need to ask you something." He somehow got out of the chair, though I helped him and crawled into my hospital bed. We stayed there and looked up at ceiling, and I tried to imagine it as the night sky and the bed the roof of a coffee shop. He grabbed my hand and held it tight, as if he was nervous. "What's wrong?" I asked again.
"What's it like to have surgery?" Nick asked. "What do you mean?" I said. "How can you have someone take something out of you? How do you let them take your leg out?" I sighed and put my head on his shoulder. "Well," I said. "I was unconscious when they took my leg off, so I didn't know what happened. But when I woke up, I was scared. I didn't know what happened. And the whole time, I was thinking what I would do without a leg. I was probably in the most pain I had ever been in." Nick looked at me. "Are you sure that was the most pain you had ever been in?" I gave him a confused look. "What do you mean?" I asked.

Nick shook his head. "I mean, I've never lost a leg, but I know pain. Because," Nick sat up and looked at me straight in the eye. "The thing is, pain is immortal. There's this pain that lives inside of you that never goes away. There's this huge boarder line of pain that's reasonable, and then there's the pain that makes you want to die. The pain that you feel like you can die from, is really the pain that makes you stronger. It's the reason why you are still here today." Nick's words settle in me. As I sat there with Nick, spending my last few moments with him before his surgery. "Did they tell you who's kidney you're getting?" I asked. He shook his head. "It's somewhere from Connecticut." I nodded and sank back down into the pillows.
"You okay?" Nick asked. His eyes stared locked perfectly into mine. He kept staring at me, the way he did when he saw me perform at the coffee shop. I felt the heat rise up to my ears as I smiled back, giggling. "What?" he asked, smiling. "Stop staring at me!" I cried.
But I would do anything for his smile.