Scars

Chapter Nine

We got into the SUV after saying good-bye to the officers. Hotch & I were in ours alone and followed the others back to the precinct to do paperwork. I could feel the tension in the car and knew Aaron was upset with me. I tapped my fingers on my thigh, waiting for Mount Hotch to blow. We got about 4 blocks away from the crime scene until I couldn't handle the silence anymore. I reached for the radio to turn it on.

"No," Hotch said. I froze with my hand in the middle of the air. Was I going to defy him or listen? I didn't want to make him anymore upset than he already was, so I decided not to chance it. Instead of putting my hand back on my lap, I put it on the center console. It was close to Aaron and I looked at him. He had scruff on his face like he forgot to shave this morning. He had on his black sunglasses and a scowl.

"Are you gonna talk to me?" I asked quietly. He shifted his grip on the steering wheel and looked behind us. He pulled over to the side of the road and parked the SUV. He threw his sunglasses off and got out of the car. The door slammed and I was left in a quiet SUV by myself. I could feel the tears at the back of my eyes, but it wasn't because I was scared. I was sorry. I knew he was hurt and upset. I needed to handle it. I slowly took my seatbelt off and eased myself out of the car. He was standing with his back leaned up against the back of the car. He was breathing heavy and I could feel the anger radiate off him.

"Aaron," I said quietly. I touched each of my fingers to my thumb on my right hand. I was nervous that he would stay mad. Hotch noticed and I could see his body physically destress. He knew I was overthinking now. He reached out and grabbed my hands into his. My breath caught in my throat at the familiarity. His hands were rougher now, years aged on them. He rubbed his thumb on the back of my hand.

"Mikey, you can't do that," he finally said quietly. The traffic zipped by and there was a soft breeze but right now, I couldn't pay attention to anything but Hotch. The hurt behind his eyes showed through. The dark of his eyes looked right through me.

"Hotch I was just doing my job," I said to him. I knew he wouldn't accept that answer, but I wasn't ready to let him in all the way.

"Don't give me that bullshit, Mikey," he yelled. The hurt mixed with anger in his voice. "You could have been killed! You could have been hurt! You had no idea what you were walking into."

"I'm not as fragile as you think!" I yelled back at him. He had no idea what happened after I moved. I had no reason to tell him. There was surprise in his eyes when I yelled. "I've been through hell. I went through all of it alone. After I left you," the tears started to fall, "everything fell apart for me." I was sobbing and couldn't catch my breath.

"What happened to you that you think that you can just walk right up to a serial killer?" he said. I stepped away and looked at the field we were parked by. I took a deep breath to try and stop my sobbing. I let the tears fall freely while thinking back to the hardest time in my life. It came in flashes because I had blocked most of it out. He was right. I could've been killed today and Hotch was the one I needed to tell before I finally went. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out at first. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"When I moved to Springbook, I went to a big school. I graduated with a class of 213 kids. I was the genius fat girl. I was the butt of the joke like out of every 90's movie. I didn't have any friends. I was all alone." I felt arms wrap around me from behind. I could feel his heat on my back. I welcomed it, knowing I needed the support right now. I leaned my head back against his chest. "I got bullied, terribly. I was pushed, hit, kicked, name called, everything. I didn't think that bullying like that even existed. In Virginia, when we didn't like someone, we just didn't deal with them. I went through hell alone. I've been alone since I left you." Hotch squeezed me and I turned around in his arms. I didn't tell him the worst of it but that could wait until we weren't in the middle of a case.

"Mikey, why didn't you tell me?" he whispered. I focused on his heartbeat to steady myself.

"We didn't end on great terms, Hotch," I said quietly. He shifted and put my face in his hands.

"You had to know, Mikey. You had to know that I never stopped thinking about you," Hotch said. I could see the pain in his eyes from the past.

"You had Haley, Aaron," I said. I know I was being a bit of a brat, but he also needed to understand how I felt after I found out about him and Haley. She called me a couple times to keep in touch but hardly ever talked about Hotch. She mentioned that she got engaged and when I asked her to who she hesitated. It didn't take long for me to put the pieces together. I wasn't mad but I will admit it did hurt.