When The Lights Go Out

7. Its Always A Little Hard the Next Day

"If death was a song, I would live for it."

-Chaotopedia.

Sun Tzu when he wrote the Art of War explained a lot of things. There are many stories in there to explain how one can be successful. In one particular story, a general tells the king that he can make anyone turn into a soldier, even the court women.

The King laughed at him, and said if he turned the court women into soldiers he would be awarded.

The general told the women, to line up and raise their swords. The women looked at him, like he had gone mad and continued laughing. So he, again explained what he wanted them to do, and this time when they didn't do it, he beheaded one of the women. And because their actions had consequences now, the women did, what he had asked them too.

And although the lesson from this wasn't actions have consequences, don't you think it's the perfect story for it? Sometimes we don't realise the things we do have consequences, we continue doing them. We don't realise who we are hurting when we do it. Who we are affecting.

Maybe if I had known the consequences of my actions, I wouldn't have sat on that bathroom floor.

Maybe.

Isaac knew everything. In fact the only reason why I had stuck a red post it note on his door, was so that he knew to come pick me up from my bathroom floor. It was a system, that we had made a long time ago. Sometimes, he had caught me putting up the post it note, and stopped me and calmed me down. But I suppose there are only so many times he can stay at home all day.

I knew he wanted to tell someone. I knew he was dying to tell anyone. In fact I had tried therapy only because he had insisted so many times. I think one of the reasons why I am here is because he loves me so much.

So when I woke up with my head hurting, in my bed, my body covered with blankets and bandages over my hands, and my paper cutter probably taken away again. Every time he threw one, would get another one. I don't think I have even realised what my actions will do to him, I don't know the consequences to my actions and maybe that's why I continue to do this. Maybe that's why I continue to hurt him.

I climbed out of my bed and went to the bathroom, it was clean, like I hadn't broken down on the floor there yesterday. No signs of a chaotic mess anywhere. I washed my face and looked in the mirror. I threw water on my face, and kept my eyes trained on the mirror. I didn't know what I was trying to find when I looked there. I didn't know what I was trying to do, when I did what I did. Isaac had taken off my binder and put me in a long t-shirt and pyjamas. I turned my hand over and looked at my watch.

3 AM.

I padded across, the room, and sat on my bed. My hands in pain, and felt heavy. It was nice though, the heaviness. I don't really know why. But does anybody really know why, things that comfort us comfort us?

Do you?

I got up again to walk to Issac's room.

I don't know what I would do without him. We had a weird bond.

We had both adopted when we were so young that we only ever remember Mom and Dad, and honestly we love them. In fact, our names were also given by them.

Issac and I had been biological siblings, and our birth mother, hadn't been able to make it through the birth, and we had had no father. Mom and Dad had worked with the orphanage for a while and when they had a gotten married, they had adopted us. It was nice, except of course not everyone in our small town had been on board, especially with the skin colour difference. It had always seemed so normal for us, to be a family. But I guess, some people just couldn't accept us. We were Brown with White parents, and apparently it was a big deal. Issac had always stood up for me, for our family whenever someone had said something. He had always protected me. Over time, I just got so used to him doing the talking and explaining for me, I stopped.

I suppose, if we were to talk acquaintances, his friends were mine. They were nice. They understood that it was difficult for me to talk to them. In a way, they had also started looking after me, in school. Issac had so many friends, but his two best friends and him, they were the actual heroes. At least in my story.

It wasn't a coincidence that when I had broken down about the bullying that everyone had stopped. It was nice, I suppose that Issac did that for me. It was hard to imagine what my life would be like if he wasn't there.

I pushed the door of his room open. He was lying on his bed, scrolling through his phone. He turned his head towards the door when I pushed it open. The look in his eyes turned into worry and fear.

Sometimes, I think I am so fragile that Issac treats me like he would treat a baby. With the care and hold that if he dropped me I wouldn't be able to survive.

I sat on his bed, and crossed my legs. He had pulled himself up to rest his head on the panel of the bed. He passed me the water bottle from his side table.

"What happened today? It was worse today." He looked at me as I drank the water. My hands played with the frayed threads of my wooden socks.

He had put socks on my feet.

"Its just I met this girl, and we hung out but then she asked for my number and I freaked out. It was stupid really. She was new in the town, and I thought.." My voice was breaking. Issac leaned forward, and patted my back. He didn't hug me. It was times like this that I couldn't imagine ever shouting at him, but we did. We stole each others junk food, and hit each other, and everything other siblings did. But it was nice that he had my back when I went through something like this.

Every time I went through this.

"I though I would make a friend, and I couldn't. I don't know why I even tried. It was dumb and hopeless and dumb."

"That's not dumb Fey."

"Yes it is, you are obligated to be my friend, Iz, you don't have a choice. No one else wants to be my friend. Nobody else even likes me. And now I ran away, from her, she must hate me now. I just wish I was normal Iz." I gulped more water to make my breathing slow down.

"You deserve the world Fey, and honestly who cares what happened to the girl, well actually maybe don't leave people like that, but you are okay, and people who don't like you don't deserve you because clearly they don't have good taste, and you are a beautiful human Fey, who cares about what other people think. And if some dumbass fucker says you don't deserve all that is good in this world, they are dumber than I thought. You deserve to be happy and to live Fey. Living is hard, it's very very hard, but you deserve to live, because it's also the most beautiful thing in the world. There is so much love you haven't received in the world, that you need to receive, because you deserve it. There are so many places that you need to visit, that you haven't. There are so many things you need to write about. There are so many people waiting for you to live Fey."

I think I was crying when he finished. I must have been because he hugged me and he whispered into my ear that it was going to be alright.

I don't know how I would mange without him. It was sad that I needed him so much. I wiped my tears and looked up, drinking from the bottle again.

"Are you okay now?" He asked.

I nodded at him. I wouldn't ever be okay really but in that moment, in that room I was okay.

"Good." He said.

And then we sat in silence.

"But I hate you really, you know that right?" He said finally his voice playful as he smiled, and I finally laughed.

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I am sorry this one took longer, I didn't know how I was going to make sure they got the love they needed straight afterwards, and how I would make them smile, but I did it, and I am in love with Issac. I have a similar bond with my sibling, where we fight like hell and then love each other too, and I know that's a privilege.

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