You Better Bring an Umbrella, Vol. 2

Chapter 33: Healing Through Screams

2006

The cold winds nipped and slashed at our skins, laying down punishment for what was to come. Eyes remained glued to the concrete below us, refusing to face the stone, white painted reality set firmly in the snow before us. Despite our begging and insisting, dad refused to let us wear anything but our uniforms, only allowing grief to show through the black umbrellas held high over our heads, serving as the looming reminder. Even though I hadn't been there, when I closed my eyes, my mind filled in the gaps. Blood ran down my mindscape, flooding it and slowly causing it to drown in the guilt. I knew the rest of my siblings felt the same way—we all just had different means of expressing it. Though I could feel Dad's judgmental and disapproving gaze boring holes into my back, I refused to release my grip on Klaus' hand, unsure of how to cope in any other way. This was a strange sort of sensation: I could deny it all I wanted, but I knew my typical response to this would have been to lock myself in my studio and keep spinning, leaping, and falling until I couldn't feel my limbs anymore. However, this time around, I didn't even have the energy; I woke up in the morning, and I couldn't even muster the energy to sit up. Cinderblocks weighed down my chest, and the only way to help was when Klaus and Vanya came and dragged me out of the warm depths of my covers, forcing me to exist.

Each of us fell into place around the pristine, spotless coffin in the middle of the yard, unconsciously leaving spaces for those no longer with us. I zipped my mouth shut and allowed my breaths to come out strained from my nostrils, refusing to let my sobs infect this moment meant to respect the one we'd lost.

What the hell was I supposed to do without Ben? After Five disappeared, I'd found myself occupying my free time with my shyest brother. It turned out, he wasn't really afraid to speak, more that he only wanted to share his thoughts with certain people. For a short while, I'd found myself replacing visits to the studio with reading on the floor with Ben. We swapped books and shared our wildest theories about the meanings behind the stories, often drifting into conversation completely unrelated to our reading material at all. During those hours, the hurt just sort of fell away, completely leaving my body in a way that none of my other siblings could manage to do; I still loved spending mornings running about with Klaus, rainy days listening to Vanya's effortless concertos, and some extra training on occasion with Diego, but there was something irreplaceable about the time I spent with Ben.

And now, just like last time, it was ripped right out of my hands.

I wasn't too sure about security with the rest of the family, either. Diego had already been whispering about leaving, and I'm sure this would push him over the edge. Vanya would likely follow, and I couldn't blame her. If I was treated even half as poorly as she was, I honestly would have left much earlier. Allison's independence would get the best of her, and soon, she'd head out those front doors and never look back. And Luther... well, it was a safe bet he'd be the last one left in this place. I didn't want to be left with just him. Maybe it was time for me to start looking at moving on as well.

I gripped tighter onto Klaus, keeping myself bottled up as Dad ran his cold eyes over us just once, before launching into his eulogy.

"The world is full of injustice. Good people die along with the bad. The cosmic equation will never change unless evil itself is wiped from existence." Throughout his entire delivery, Dad's voice remained emotionless and unwavering. I'm not sure what I expected, coming from him. "Thankfully, there are powerful forces pushing back against the wicked and iniquitous, individuals who have the strength to pull together against insurmountable odds to face adversity with unblinking courage, and not hesitate to sacrifice themselves for another."