Author's note: This is a little birthday surprise for someone really special (and you know who you are) Happy happy birthday! I wish you all the best, you deserve it, and this one is for you. Rated M for loads of smut, and I don't think I even need to say what episode this is taken from. Hope you enjoy this and leave a review if you feel like it.
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Yesterday she shut a door in his face, quite literally distancing herself from him, putting a barrier to separate between the two of them.
Yesterday she shut the door to her bunk in his face, when he was at his lowest, when he confessed his love for her and told her he needed her to help him pull himself out of whatever dark place he is in right now.
But that was yesterday, and today is oh so different. Today she watched a group of eight riders meet their death because one man decided to drown his sorrow in a bottom of a vodka bottle, and then hit the road in an early morning hour. Today she placed a black tag, lifeless body after lifeless body, for what felt like forever, losing battle after battle. She witnessed a single survivor making it out of the accident by the skin of his teeth. She watched her entire team, herself included, standing there, frozen, none of them able to come up with the words to break it to him that everyone else was dead.
His second family, the one he chose, the one that in many cases became the first, just as she thinks of every single one of the members of her station.
Days like today change her.
Andy can tell herself she has grown a thick skin by now all she wants. She has seen her fair share of blood and disasters, of people she could not save and family members on their knees, mourning the loss of a loved one. But the armor she has built around herself to protect her from other's pain can only take her so far, and today was one of the days that crawl deep. Deep under the thick skin it has taken her years upon years to grow and straight into her heart.
And as she sits at Joe's, sipping on her beer, it finally hits her, even though that isn't the metaphor she would have chosen after the horrors she had witnessed today.
Life is short, and seeing tomorrow's sunrise is not guaranteed. Not to her, not to anyone . And she is tired. She is tired of meaningless sex and leaving a trail of broken heart behind her, hers included in the mix. She is tired of shoving her feelings so deep down her throat she is constantly afraid she might choke on them. She is tired of holding on to that grudge when happiness is right in her reach, and the only thing she has to do is take it in between her hands and never let it go.
Her happiness, or at least someone she can find happiness with, if she only tries, knocked on her door yesterday, telling her he wanted in, so close yet so far, and she pushed him away.
Because she has been angry for so long, that's all she knows how to do by now. Angry at Maya for using something she confided with her, as a friend, to her personal advantage. Angry at Ryan for dying on her when she begged him to stay, even if she knows it wasn't his fault. Angry with her dad for keeping his illness from her, treating her with child gloves, like she is too fragile to handle the truth. Angry with Robert, blaming him for everything and anything, even though she knows how much he cares.
And maybe today is the day she finally, finally decides to choose her own happiness instead of all the weight she carries around on her shoulders all the time.
Andy looks at herself in the mirror in the bathroom. She had a shower before she left the station, so there isn't any remnant of that horrible call on her body, even though she knows this one is going to scar her heart for a long time.
She splashes a bit of cold water on her face, then turns around to exit the bar, her legs taking her to where she needs to be in the moment. In the arms she is certain will keep her safe and sound, if only he chooses to accept her, unlike the way she acted just yesterday.
