~Love Me Harder~

"Fails Or Falls"

My heart ached with each step I took as I moved through the familiar halls of my childhood home, knowing it would be the last time I would ever be here. I couldn't bear to leave without saying goodbye to Lucas, so I wrote him a letter filled with all the words I could never bring myself to say out loud.

With shaky hands, I slipped the letter into his pocket, hoping it would convey just how much he meant to me. As I walked away, I couldn't help but wonder if he would even read it.

I needed something to take my mind off the pain, so I turned to my favorite movie, "Pure Love," finding comfort in the familiar scenes and characters.

The meal my mother had prepared for me tasted bittersweet as I savored each bite, trying to hold onto the memories of her love and care.

Every corner of the house held a precious memory, and I knew I would miss it all so much. My eyes stung with tears as I tried to soak in every detail, every scent, and every sound.

Eventually, I gave in to the tears, allowing them to flow freely as I grieved the loss of everything, I held dear.

I entered the washroom and sat down on the edge of the bathtub, feeling the cold porcelain against my skin. My hand trembled as I pulled a small blade from my wallet, its sharp edge glinting in the dim light.As I held the blade in my hand, my thoughts raced in a million different directions. I wanted to end everything where it all began, to put an end to the pain and heartache that had consumed me for so long. But at the same time, I was terrified of what lay ahead. Would it hurt? Would I regret my decision? Would anyone even care?Tears streamed down my face as I whispered a prayer to God. 

"Please, God, give me one more chance. Can you rewind time? So that I don't fall for him. It's so hard to see my father and watch that video. I don't want to be left behind. I don't..."My voice trailed off as I struggled to find the right words. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. All I knew was that I couldn't go on living like this. I had to make a decision, no matter how painful it might be.Taking a deep breath, I held the blade to my wrist, ready to make the final cut. 

 I cut the left wrist around slowly. Then from the wrist wound blood started to tear out slowly and painfully. The bathtub began to look like a jar of red wine. Blood pierced everywhere and I enjoyed it.

"It wasn't bad as I thought I feel like I'm high" I talked to myself.
,
I was writhing on the floor, my blood gushing out of me and pooling onto the ground. It was a searing pain that made me gasp for breath, and tears streamed down my face. But even in the midst of this agony, I found myself laughing. It was a bitter, humorless laugh that echoed off the walls.As I lay there, I couldn't help but think about how I'd always considered myself a tough, independent woman, like the ones in the songs that sang about girl power and female strength. But now, as I bled out on the floor, I realized how fragile and vulnerable I really was.The irony of the situation was not lost on me. It was almost comical, the way my life was ending. But there was nothing funny about the pain and fear that gripped me, knowing that my time on this earth was coming to an end.In that moment, I wished that I had appreciated the little things in life more, the moments of joy and happiness that had passed me by in my quest to be a "bad bitch." But it was too late for regrets now.

I took my phone from the floor and played default.

🎶🎶I've seen the world, done it all, had my cake now
Diamonds, brilliant, and Bel Air now
Hot summer nights, mid-July
When you and I were forever wild
The crazy days, city lights
The way you'd play with me like a child.🎶🎶🎶

"That wasn't the song I wanted. Where are you Niki Minaj" I babbled.

🎶I've seen the world, lit it up as my stage now
Channeling angels in the new age now
Hot summer days, rock and roll
The way you'd play for me at your show...🎶🎶

As my consciousness began to slip away, a sense of peace and acceptance washed over me. The pain that had once consumed my body was now a distant memory, and all that remained was the tranquility of the unknown.

And then, amidst the darkness, a glimmer of light appeared. At first, it was nothing more than a speck, but it grew brighter and more intense with each passing moment. I squinted my eyes, trying to discern what was happening, but the light was too bright, too overpowering.

As the light engulfed me, I heard a voice whisper in my ear. "Guess it's time."

Those words echoed through my mind, and I knew then that my time in this world had come to an end. It was a strange feeling, to know that everything I had ever known was about to fade away into nothingness. But in that moment, I felt a sense of peace wash over me, and I closed my eyes, ready to embrace whatever lay beyond.

🎶Dear Lord, when I get to Heaven
Please let me bring my man.
When he comes, tell me that you'll let him in
Father, tell me if you can...🎶