Finding myself

My reasoning

I think the thing that has gotten to me the most is the fact that my friends and family have, texted me, called and have explained that they're worried about me. It makes me angry and for reasons I don't know how to really explain because I know that I'm blessed to even have people who care but I think with that comes a sense of guilt because that's one more reason to feel guilty if i were to ever do something to myself. I sometimes wish I could cut all contact with everyone I know , like delete my social media and erase or block them so they would never be able to reach me, I think that's because it's kind of exhausting for me to be around people ... I want to keep my distance so nobody worries about me or feels the need to try to "help" me.
     I hate being this way I truly do. But I've changed these past 2 months I feel like I can't breathe when I'm around people , like I'm drowning because I might say something that might alarm them, I hate when I walk into a room I put in my headphones because I don't even know what to talk about with everyone. I hate feeling like I'm alone in the world even though I know I'm not. I hate that I sleep all day and at night I stay up and rely on muscle relaxers to put me to sleep because my thoughts keep me up and if I'm alone I cry at night and when I'm awake I just want to kill myself it's like constantly fighting with the logical side of me and the part that doesn't care, that says it's only going to be a minor inconvenience in everyone else's life and they'll be sad for just a few months and move on, they'll be happy again , but you won't Maddie, you will never be fine unless you end it , you'll finally have peace.
And just having these thoughts that nag me constantly is exhausting.
I just want to be alone all the time but if I spend to much time alone I end up spending too much Time in my head and that scares me.... I like sleeping with somebody at night because it's like that part of my brain shuts up .
And a part of me knows I should probably get help but I hate admitting that because then that means that I can't overcome this unless I get help.

See as of right now I don't want to even live let alone talk to anyone which I guess should be the reason I do talk to someone, but I can't find a reason to want to stay , and that makes me kinda sad because I have my siblings but sometimes I think I just complicate their lives and they'd probably be better off without me. That goes for my aunts and cousins and Among other family members. In my head me being gone shouldn't affect you because you have lived in a world without me before and you were fine I can't be that great to want to be around anyways... I'm a bitch, I don't know when to keep my mouth shut, I overshare and joke about things that aren't even funny, and I'm pretty annoying.
But on that note I know that y'all love me it's just the overwhelming feeling that nags at me every moment I'm alone and I can't get rid of it so here I am journaling how I'm feeling and how I plan on healing.
-and I know that suicide isn't the answer trust me. I'm trying my hardest to not give up right now. It's just difficult.