Finding myself

My baggage

One of my great aunts reached out to me and said she read the 2 parts that I wrote yesterday and mentioned that I might be feeling this way because of my biological mom leaving me....

And at first I was kinda confused because in my head I was like no! No way this has nothing to do with her, but if I'm being honest I think when you get depressed your trauma comes into play with it and it makes it worst.
   I have definitely been questioning my worth, like why wasn't , and why i am not Good enough to be apart of your life, what have I done to make you not want to show up for me, to be there for me? Have I been a horrible daughter? Questions like that run through my head every time I think of her and truth is I can't stand her honestly it hurts me to say that because I wouldn't be here without her , I wouldn't have Gavin and Jayden here, but it hurts me knowing that I'm not worth the drive to visit, or even when she couldn't text me back after I told her how angry I was after she didn't show up for my graduation, after she told me she would. It hurts feeling like I will never be worth it in her eyes and I remember having a conversation with my granny about that exact thing.... my granny told me "Maddie if she doesn't show up at your graduation, I will never speak to her again." And I haven't spoken one word to her since my graduation. But I hate having this hate in my body for her I truly do. I wish I could see it from her point of view and maybe I'd understand where she's coming from and why she's done what she did.
But it's not only her either, my parents have done hard drugs, sometimes disappeared at night and didn't come back for a few days they left us home with our cousin, or granny. My parents have done some things that I'll probably never forget, or forgive them for.... they have beaten eachother up in front of me and my siblings, constantly nagging eachother and they ruined Christmas for me, which I hate because sometimes I miss being so happy that Christmas was coming because I got to spend time with my family and get gifts and just have fun, I miss that feeling, it's  nostalgic. And I have so much anger at them like I do at Stacey that I wish I didn't have... they said some things to me that I won't ever forget, some things that have hurt me in more ways that I don't even know how to explain, and I'm so angry and happy at the same time at them right now, because it took them 21 years to realize that they needed to sober up and be there for their younger kids. That makes me so angry and the  reasons are stupid I know that, like where were you when I needed you the most? Passed out drunk or high off your ass that you couldn't even stand straight? But I know one thing that's different between them and Stacey and that's , that they always showed up to the most important moments in life, and I think that's why no matter how stupid they are sometimes I'll always be there for them. I have cut most  people out of my life that have talked shit about them this year, my dad has really bad depression so he says things he doesn't mean and when he's finally happy again he realizes that. makes me so angry because my dad made us give up our rooms   for family members that needed to stay with us for awhile. But yet you couldn't open your doors for him and my mom when they were in their worst state. And that frightens me because I'm pretty close to being that low and if my dad was still that low I wouldn't know where to go and who I could even talk to too.
Like I said before your trauma comes into play when your depressed because you're already questioning why you're here? And you think of every little thing that has happened to you and sometimes I question "why would they keep me, if they didn't want me in the first place?, why didn't you give me to someone who would've took care of me and had been sober when I came home from my first day of work or why would you sell my car that I technically bought, while I was at school? Why would you not show up to the events in my life that were important to me...?
Why wasn't I good enough for you to be there for me when I needed you the most....

But I've realized that I keep blaming them for the way I turned out to be and I can't do that because your trauma doesn't make you into a case for someone to figure out, it's supposed to make you stronger and more understanding of the world and how evil it can be. I'm blessed to even be waking up every morning and being able to see the sun rise and set, I'm lucky for how far I've gotten, and sometimes I take that for granted.
I love all three of them no matter how much they have hurt me.
I've had a talk with my dad and mom about how much they've hurt me and we're finally at an understanding.
I haven't talked to Stacey yet because I don't want to face her alone because I'm scared that I won't be able to say what I need to say , I'm terrified that I will let myself forgive her even if her excuse is stupid, I forgive to easily because I know that any moment could be the last time I speak to you and I don't want to say something that I'll hurt you or that I'll regret after you pass.

But a lot of that has to do with the way I am, and why am the way I am.
Like why I have trouble communicating and why I have very bad commitment issues. Why can't I move on and get over some stupid things that only affects me and not the other person involved? Why I overthink everything, why I can't say I love you without it being awkward. Why I'm stubborn, why im blunt, the list could go on and on but that wouldn't fix anything, it won't fix me. It won't help me with my issues.
I feel like I'm un -fixable, like you could tell me you love me a million times and show up for me when I need you and I would still probably think you have some hidden agenda and are planning on throwing me out.

-Maddie, when you look back on this in a month or a few, maybe even a year down the road, I hope that you have found your worth, and have healed from all the hurt you have inside your heart, and most importantly I hope that you are genuinely happy , like so happy that nothing could put you down, and I hope you find the meaning of why you're here, your purpose.-