Finding myself

Incase

Warning:
(My suicidal thoughts)
I don't mean to worry you with this one, but you never know what might happen. Death is apart of life and if my time comes sooner then what's imagined I would like to share some things. Bad days take a toll on you more than the good days, but the good days make you see that living is worth it....,

I've dealt with suicidal thoughts since my granny died on and off throughout the past 2 1/2 years....
sometimes they're just that, thoughts. But then other times there's like this voice in my head telling me to take the pills and don't dwell on the  guilt I'm feeling at that moment.
Here are some things I would want you to know incase one of the bad days get the best of me,

Sometimes my bad thoughts get the best of me , they make me feel like I'm not enough, like I'm a failure and that I'm never going to be successful, that I'm worthless and not that important to people. Like sometimes I think that people only talk to me because they're used to me being around, Sometimes I feel like I'm just here to exist and be there for other people when they need to vent but if I bring up that I'm sad and don't how to carry on anymore they might get uncomfortable, so I like to keep for the most part those thoughts to my self so that way I don't hurt anyone or make anyone worry.
I feel as though me dying would only affect you for a few weeks.
I wish I could disappear and cut all contact with people for a month so maybe I can find my will to keep going and be a better version of myself the next time you see me.
I hate being like this when I preach to my friends how worthy they are and how much the world needs them because I know that they're smart, they'll be successful!!! and how the world doesn't really need me because I'm stuck and probably always will be in this cycle that I don't know how to break. I don't see a future for me and I hate that. And nobody is to blame except myself.

This has really inspired me since I saw it:
There's this TikTok I saw the other day about a girl who read this quote from this book, and it said "what if when you die god slides you a note and says 'this is what you were supposed to be, this is how you were supposed to turn out, what happened?" And the thought that my depression is stopping me from being who I am supposed to be ,really hits different.

Here's what I would like my last wishes to be just incase:
I wouldn't want you to blame yourselves or thinking that I didn't know how loved I am, because I do! I know that I'm loved that's what makes it worse because if I were ever to do something like killing myself I know how many people I would hurt and I would hate to pass that pain on to someone else, but it's like I said before, battling your mind with what you know is right and what's wrong is like an endless cycle that I can't seem to break out of!!!
I would want you to carry on and not worry about me , I would want you to take care of my siblings and check in on my parents every week just to make sure they're ok. I just would want you to be happy, be glad I'm not bothering you anymore with my stupid jokes or my anger lol.... I would want you to take care of my friends and visit them for me , not text or call but actually visit ,maybe take them out and make them and maybe even yourself realize that I'm at peace, that I'm not constantly crying myself to sleep anymore. I would want you to smile and not cry when you think about me.
I want  to be  donated to forensics so they can bury me and dig me up in a few years. But if you don't do that then bury me in the ground but get me a wooden casket so that way everyone who wants to can write on it with sharpie, like a little goodbye note or your favorite thing/memory about me, I want my friends to each bring a bottle of alcohol so that way when you visit my grave we can have a "drink" together. I'm not really fond of having an open casket because I don't want that to be your last memory of me, My soul has left my body what you'd be looking at would just be that my body nothing else. And I wouldn't want any sad music playing only good vibes. Also don't wear black wear colors that remind you of me (although to some people that may be black lol) like bright colors.And don't cry at my funeral instead just share funny memories or even in my slideshow put the real me in there not just me smiling put videos of me in there and maybe even silly pictures.
This isn't just about suicide because I could die at any moment from anything. You never know and I want my final wishes out there.

I wrote letters for everyone close to me when I was having a bad day a few weeks back because I thought I was going to end it then, I thought that was my last day that I could handle it and I couldn't tell anyone because I'm scared to ask for help, terrified of what they would think of me. Where they would send me... but then I got a FaceTime from a friend saying that they were coming down to visit me  and someone had texted me not even 20 minutes after I wrote the notes checking in with me to see how I was , I'm not sure if you're religious or not but I'd like to believe that was a sign from God telling me I'm not alone and that I do have people who care even though it might not feel like it. 
I have had several people reach out to me these past 2 months people I don't even really talk too, which means a lot. But it also kinda messes with my head because if I were to not post anything I don't think anyone would've noticed that I haven't really been myself these past 2 months and they probably wouldn't have reached out and that means my thoughts and the guilt I feel now wouldn't even exist, at least that's how I see it. Like I hate when people are constantly like "here for you, if you ever need anything" but i did try to call a friend that one night when I couldn't quit crying, it was really bad but she didn't answer I had almost texted a family member to see if they were up because it was like 3am and I didn't want to bother anyone . That's also part of my problem, I know that people have their own things going on too , I don't want to burden you with my issues that are probably annoying for everyone else. Even though the thoughts are bad still I'm holding on for as long as possible and I hope I continue until I find my will to continue and live life again.
I just want you to know if you're reading this and you were one the individuals that had checked in on me the past 2 months I'm thankful truly.