Broken crayons still colours

Chapter 7 ~ Broken

Emma's POV

It's been a week since mum's death. I haven't been myself since then. I stopped going to school, stopped taking people's calls. Kim and Sam have called a million times. They visited the other day, but I still said nothing to them.
I even stopped eating. Grandma moved in with me. She didn't have to, I didn't want anyone around me. I am bad luck. Those around me always get hurt. I wanted to be alone. I wished death took me instead. That would definitely take the pains away, and no one would worry about me that way.
    I finally left my bed, I needed a hot bath. Something to relieve me a little.
   Hot water poured down my hair as I closed my eyes. That was when I saw it again.
Everytime I closed my eyes, that dreadful night appeared before me.
I felt filthy, I was scrubbing my body really hard my skin turned red.
    I checked my closet and everything there reminded me of mum. She made almost everything there. I finally picked something to wear, a black sweat shirt and a black leggings.
I didn't want to wear any coloured clothes, I felt colours were for happy people and I was the exact opposite of happy. I was sad, shattered... I was broken.
    I managed to sneak out without grandma noticing. I had just my wallet and pepper spray in my bag, I left my phone behind as I didn't want anyone calling. I wasn't sure where I was going but I needed to breathe.
  It was already evening, the bright lights on different signposts illuminated the entire street.
One of the signposts got my attention, it was a club. And for some strange reasons, I wanted to go in.
I needed an ID to go in, you must be 18+ to be in this club. It was boldly written there.
I would turn 18 in three months, I was   not sure the man at the door would allow me in but I showed him my ID anyways.
He moved aside and I got in. I wasn't expecting that but yay! I got in.
The loud music filled my ears and bright lights in my eyes. The girls there were dressed for club and I was just standing in a black sweat shirt, I felt out of place.
   I've never tasted alcohol in my entire life but I suddenly want to experience what it feels like to be drunk.  I would probably forget the pain for a while.
I quickly ordered a drink before I couldchange my mind. I forced the liquid down my throat, it didn't taste sweet and it did leave  a burning sensation in my chest. I ran out of the club. I could feel my heart beat so fast. Why do I feel this way? I should go home.
   Before grandma could perceive the smell of alcohol I quickly ran upstairs and told her I went for a walk.
I still felt empty, I wasn't sure what I was feeling, but it felt empty.
I lay on my bed for a while and slowly squeezed my thighs together.  It felt good, I did it again. I walked my hands  down and started touching myself.
I felt I was in my own world,  nothing looked real anymore. I masturbated again.
This time it was different, I used to feel guilty when I did it and would asked for mercy immediately but today, I felt nothing! No guilt, no regrets, nothing!  God probably turned His eyes away from. The devil probably be mocking Him right now.
I hope He's hurt. I hope He feels what I felt. I hope He's broken too.
Maybe I did get back at Him. Yes, I hurt God back! And there's nothing to regret.
I fell asleep with my thoughts.
I woke up 3am, I was so hungry.  I went downstairs and checked the fridge for anything. I saw the food grandma made for me the previous night, I didn't touch it so she packed it and left it there.
I brought it out and quickly microwaved it. I ate the spaghetti and meatballs quietly as I didn't want to wake her up. It would be embarrassing if she found me here, eating.
I had a glass of orange juice and washed the dish and glass I used. It was called clearing the evidence,  even though she would notice the missing spaghetti by morning.
I switched off the kitchen light before leavingfor my room,  mum always does that before going to bed.

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Bible reference for this chapter
1 Thessalonians 4 : 7 NLT
God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives.

Romans 12 :2 NLT
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

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23/11/20