Take Me To Your Heart

Testimony

When I return home, I see texts from Yasmin and Deniz. I reply to Deniz, agreeing to meet her for lunch tomorrow. Ferit is planning on taking Bulut to visit his mother so it's perfect timing. I leave Yasmin's text unanswered, resolving to call her tomorrow.

I realize I've also been neglecting Laila and send her a message to check in. Her response comes fast, telling me not to worry about her with all I have going on. I smile – as if that were possible. I turn off my alarm and fall into bed exhausted, determined to sleep in during my day off from babysitting.

The next morning, I wake up slowly and make myself coffee, relishing in the peace. I've spent every day since the accident rushing over to Ferit's house to be there for Bulut, but today I get to focus on myself. I have a couple of hours before I am supposed to meet Deniz so I head to my balcony to sip my coffee in the morning air.

I can see the skyline from my balcony and the sight of the morning sunlight glinting off the steel buildings always fills me with awe. I close my eyes, focusing on the familiar sounds of the city: the El bustling down the tracks, commuters honking at each other as they rush to work, and persistent birds chirping in nearby trees. I smile, enjoying the chaos. The white noise helps to keep me in the moment.

After fifteen minutes of doing nothing but staring off into the distance, I decide to call Yasmin.

She picks up immediately. "Hey, girl."

"Hey."

"How are things? Haven't really heard from you since Saturday." I can tell she's doing her best to probe gently.

"Yeah." I sigh. "I've just been spending the days with Bulut. He's really latched onto me."

"Yeah, Ozan told me."

I wince at the mention of Ozan's name. When those two communicate with each other, it usually means there is an intervention coming my way.

"Sejal," she continues, her tone now more obviously concerned. "This is a lot to take on. Are you okay? I mean, you are grieving too."

I run my hands through my hair, frustrated. "I know, I know. But I mean what else can I do?" I let out a loud breath. "Bulut needs me. I'm there because I love Bulut and I want to do this for Zeynep and Amir."

She sighs. "I know." We are silent for a moment. Yasmin didn't know Zeynep that well, but she had seen her around enough to feel the loss as well. "Do what you have to do, I know it's still so early. I just want to make sure you are taking care of yourself too."

I smile, grateful for her concern. "Today is my day off, actually. Ferit has taken Bulut to visit his grandmother. Do you want to join Deniz and I for lunch? We are supposed to meet at 12:30." I realize that I am desperate for some normal friend time after what feels like an eternity.

"I can't, I'm working the afternoon shift today. But I can come over after with take out and we can hang out at your place?"

"Sure." After we hang up, I can't stop thinking about the future. Yasmin is right, this is a lot to take on. And I'm not sure what the expectations are for the long term.

What is the plan here? If Ferit does get custody of Bulut despite this new will, how involved will I be? How involved do I want to be? And selfishly, what about opening our restaurant?

I head out to meet Deniz, trying to control the swirling thoughts in my head. I really need to talk to Ferit, but I am so hesitant to burden him.

I am the first to arrive so I sip some coffee while I wait. I shoot a text to Ozan, letting him know that I am aware he is conspiring with Yasmin. I can't imagine he will be too apologetic. I know they are both right to be worried – I have my own life to return to eventually. It just feels so treasonous to even think about stepping away, knowing what I know about grief. Remembering how alone I felt when everyone in my life eventually stepped away.