Take Me To Your Heart

Wedding Preparations

It's like I can still feel his gaze on me even after I'm in the safety of my apartment, the intense, searching way that he looks at me as if he's waiting for me to spill my soul to him. I make myself some tea for something to do, completely unable to stop thinking about him. The way he tipped his head back in laughter today, the sun making his eyes look like they were glowing. The way he held Bulut with so much love. The way he held me.

When tea doesn't help to soothe my nerves, I call my sister, realizing I need to fill her in on my wedding plans.

"I'm getting married." I say when she picks up without preamble.

I can imagine her jaw drop open, the image alone making me smile to myself. "Uh, explain." She says when she stops sputtering and I laugh at her reaction, shaking my head, wondering, for not the first time, when life is going to feel normal again.

I try to figure out where to begin. "Well, Ferit says he needs to marry to get Bulut back."

There's more sputtering until Laila manages to put words together. "And so he asked you?" She asks, incredulous.

"Uh, yes."

"And you said yes?!" She asks, practically shrieking in my ear. My sister has watched me tell family member after family member that I have no interest in marriage for my entire adult life. So her shock is to be expected.

I hold my phone away from my ear until she curbs her yelling and then tell her why I had to say yes, sucking all the fun out of this shocking news. She lets me finish without asking any questions, interrupting my story only to let out loud gasps that she cannot seem to control.

"Wow, didi." For once, I've rendered her speechless.

"I know." I sigh, laying down on the couch. This is the first time I'm saying it out loud to another person and it sounds insane. I'm really getting fake married. To a man I might be falling in love with. In an alternate universe, Zeynep would definitely be trying to talk me out of doing this.

"You never wanted to get married or have kids and now you're going to have both." Laila points out.

I laugh with great irony. "I know."

"It's like after our parents with me all over again." Laila had been 18 at the time, but had never lived anywhere but home. Caring for her through her college years had felt very much like I had adopted an overgrown child.

"I know. Except with a real child. And a fake husband."

"Wow."

I start laughing at the absurdity and she joins in. Once we start, we can't stop and soon we've dissolved into uncontrollable laughter, gasping for air, tears streaming out of our eyes. It feels so good to laugh like this, like a release I've been needing for longer than I realized.

"We don't actually have a date yet. But, maybe you can help me look like I care about any of this. It would be suspicious if the bride can't be bothered to find a dress, right?"

"Didi! I'm going to pretend you didn't say that. I've already done all the research. Finding a beautiful dress for you will be easy."

"I'm rolling my eyes" I tell her, as if she probably hadn't already guessed.

We stay on the phone awhile, as she fills me in on her wedding plans and school updates. I listen mostly silently, grateful to focus on someone else's life for awhile.

We hang up and I make my way to bed. Just as I'm about to fall asleep, I get a text from Ferit. Wedding next weekend. Let's go shopping for a ring when you have time. Goodnight.