My Skater Boy // V.H.

5-Still Have Me

"Esty! Tonight is Karaoke Night at The Haven!" Jessie says, jumping on my bed. It has been a week since the Berrics and I haven't done anything. I have found myself stalking Vinnie's social media and I don't like how I start to smile at them. "You should share your voice with the world!" She jumps again.

"Jessie. The Haven is a small bar in LA. It's not playing at Madison Square Garden and having a sold out show." I say looking at her next to me.

"You need to get up and get out. Why are you so down?" She asks. I can't even answer her because I don't have a solid answer. I don't think it is because of Vinnie or finding the girl here with Adam. I don't know if it is because I miss Aiden or Sam or if it is homesickness. I just shrug. "That's not an answer. You need to get up!" She hits the pillow next to my head.

"If I go with you tonight, will you leave me alone until eight?" I ask. She nods her head quickly. "Fine." I say and turn over to groan into the pillow.

8 pm came too quickly. I got my ass out of bed and changed into a skirt and a t-shirt and put on my converse. I pull my hair up into a messy bun and don't bother putting make-up on. I grab my purse and put my notebook in it. I walk down stairs and the whole loft is silent so Jessie must be there already.

I walk out and get into the Uber I ordered and I silently twist the ring on my finger. I get out at The Haven and walk inside. I automatically spot Jessie at the bar, where Jack is pouring her a non carded drink. I walk up and sit next to Jessie.

"Hey party girl. Got anything good for us tonight? Preferably something sad." Jack asks.

"Yeah actually. Do you guys have a piano or even a keyboard?" I reply.

"Oh yeah it's in the back. You can just go back there." He says. I get up and I walk through the door. I walk into a hallway with four doors, two on each side. I walk silently through the hallway and then I start to hear giggles coming from one of the rooms. I ignore it and continue to walk to the room labeled MUSIC.

I open the door and see a keyboard propped against the wall. I grab it along with the cord and shut the door. I walk back down the hallway and hear the giggling again. I turn around quickly and hear a girl laughing. "Stop. That tickles." She whispers.

"Shh! Someone is going to hear us." A boy says. I open the door it is coming from and see Adam pressed up against a girl with his lips on her neck. I don't know why I care but a part of me sinks to the bottom.

"S-sorry." I say and I shut the door before running back down the hall. I barge through the door leading back into the bar and I walk silently down the rows of tables to the front where there is a woman singing a country song.

I set up the keyboard and I wait until the woman is done. Once she walks off stage I grab the mic and hold it up to my lips."Hey everyone. Uh, I'm Esty. And I wrote this song about something I've been going through lately. I hope you enjoy it." I announce. An applause erupts and I see Jessie standing with Jack watching intensively at what I do next.

Play: Still Have Me by Demi Lovato

I sit down at the keyboard and take out my notebook, propping it up on the stand. I take a deep breath and focus on the keys under my fingers. I play the intro and the crowd goes quiet. "I'm a mess and I'm still broken. But I'm finding my way back." I think about leaving my family behind and starting fresh.

"And it feels like someone's stolen, all the light I ever had." My anxiety. "Like the world disappeared and I'm laying right here while the silence is piercing. And it hurts to breathe." I take a deep breath. "I don't have much but at least I still have me. I still have me." I left everything but I still have me.

"And that's all I need. So take my faith but at least I still believe. I still believe." I am going to be okay. "And that's all I need. I don't have much but at least I still have me." I glance up at the crowd and I am shocked to see Vinnie standing, arms crossed in the back. Adam is standing a few feet away from Jessie and Jack and the girl he was with is nowhere in sight.

"Everything around me shattered. All the highs are now just lows." Losing Aiden and leaving all the things that used to keep me alive. "But it doesn't even matter, cause I'd rather be alone." I lock eyes with Vinnie and I am determined not to break it.

"All my love disappeared, and I'm laying right here, while the silence is piercing. And it hurt to breathe." I can't tell because of the spotlight but it seems like Vinnie is nodding his head. Not in a dancing way but in a way like he agrees. Or understands.

"I don't have much but at least I still have me. I still have me. And that's all I need. So take my faith but I still believe. I still believe. And that's all I need." I am still staring at Vinnie and he is not backing down his gaze.

"I don't have much but at least I still have me." I play a short instrumental part and a few claps erupt. "I don't have much but at least I still have me. I still have me. And that's all I need." That's all I need.

I finish the song and I stand up and see people doing the same. Cheers and applauses echo through the room and I grab my notebook from the stand. I look as I see some people have tears in their eyes and they are cheering my name. I smile at all of them and take a bow.

I start to feel a little claustrophobic and in need of air. I push through the crowd and out the bar door. Suddenly I am gasping for air and bending over my knees. I hear the door shut to the bar behind me but I keep my head down. "That was... impressive." I hear Vinnie say as he sits down on the curb next to me.

I lift up my head and look at him. "I wasn't trying to impress anyone." I state. "It's a coping mechanism not just a hobby." I inform.

"And how is that going? The coping I mean." He says.

"It's a process." I reply. I attempt to take slow breaths and remember that I am safe.

"It was beautiful." He says softly. I look over at him and he's looking out at the street. "It was very raw. And bold. Most musicians write about sex or their ex boyfriends but that... that was pure emotion. It was truth. Make sure you mention me when you win your first Grammy." He winks. I laugh softly at this and shake my head.

"I won't get that far. I write down what I am feeling and then make it into a song. Music isn't about sex or ex's. Yeah they are both great inspiration but music is supposed to be more. It is supposed to make you happy and sad and angry. It makes you feel something..." I say. I feel like I am talking to myself because I am talking into the street.

"What was it about?" He whispers. My heart starts to beat hard against my chest.

"My past life. And how I am remembering that I won't be the girl my family wants me to be. Because I want to be the girl that I want me to be. Sometimes I need a reminder that I still have myself when all else fails. Whether it's a relationship or a friendship or a very attractive boy running into you and smashing your phone. Everyone needs a little reminder to keep hold on themselves and not to get caught up in trends and the world." I ramble. "Even you." I say looking at him. He is looking down at his hands now and twisting his thumb ring.

"I know. But how?" He asks. Normally I would think this is some sort of gag. That he would be making fun of me.

"Find yourself, Vinnie. In whatever you do. In who you surround yourself with. And if those people and those things aren't making you a better version of yourself, then I don't think they are good things or people to keep around." I reply. I stand up. "It was nice talking to you without wanting to punch you. We should do it again sometime." Say to him. I offer him a hand up and he takes it.

"Yeah. We should." He answers. I drop his hand and then turn to go back in. "Hey Esty?" He calls. I turn around and look at him. "Thank you." I just nod and go back inside.