Teach Me [COMPLETED✔]

30

Aspen

Chris booked us two rooms in a hotel that was close to school and his work, only a door separating us.

I didn't even say anything to him as I crossed into my room, noticing the neatly made bed that sat in the center. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to him, it wasn't that I was repulsed but words died at my throat every time. Tears clogged me up and stopped me, I couldn't even come to say many things in the car. There had been more I didn't say to him, more I had felt.

It was like a river, rushing in at once and fast. Seeing that house, being with Chris, I was thrusted back in that night. I hated it, hated him, hated that night, hated it all.

I'm fine. A lie.

Walking into the bathroom with my bag, I didn't even bother with my clothes as I stepped inside the shower. The cold water cascaded over me, chilling me to the bone. Yet I didn't feel the cold, my trembles didn't come from it but from the images that continued flashing.

I sobbed into my hands, waiting for it all to roll over. For everything to be a bad dream. That serene moment gone in a flash, Chris words only a whisper in my head.

I had pushed it away. Pushed the feeling because I thought it didn't matter, I thought- I was wrong. I had faltered to go twice because I knew what laid there, pushing away that feeling. And with Chris I broke, I fell into a pitiless damn of shards and ice. Picking and numbing me, breaking my skin apart.

He didn't do anything. But he did, he- in a way that I couldn't explain, he did. Physically and emotionally he ran his hands across me, he planted that seed of doubt and hate. Of worry and disgust, of- I walked out of the bathroom, leaving a trail of water as I made myself slid into the neatly made bed.

I love you

I want you

I'm here

I didn't know what to do, not with Chris but with me. I had these feelings flooding in me, love, passion, care... hate, despair, disgust with myself.

Chris's kisses were a tether but they shouldn't be, I shouldn't have to rely on him fully. It was one thing to know I was safe with him but another thing to have him protect me. He couldn't do that forever, even when he said he wanted me. Chris wouldn't- shouldn't be my bandage, he shouldn't be a saviour when I was falling. If I wanted this, if I wanted to be with him, I needed to be completely fine. I needed to come to terms with what had happened and what could have been, I needed to see the world for what it was. I didn't need to hide behind walls or people, I would face this but not now.

Falling asleep, I tried pulling up good thoughts. I played back Chris's words to me, his honesty and thoughtfulness. No one would touch me without my consent, not even him.

Theo leaned down, his thumb and pointer finger holding my chin. A smirk on his lips as he licked away the salty tears that fell, my body stiff with repulse.

I could feel it all, a body I didn't want to feel. A hardness that dug into my stomach, hands that groped my body. His smell was sickening, everything about Theo was disgusting.

I jerked, more tears streaming, sobs escaping my lips. But no one could hear me. Chris was dead. I was trapped.

"Shh sweetheart. The less you fight, the more you'll enjoy it," he whispered, his finger now slipping inside my mouth. His other hand holding my throat, my own fingers clawing at them. To push him away.

I screamed, clamping down my mouth shut. A growl from him as I bit him. He rose, knees on both sides of my legs. "You fucking bitch," he said, raising his hand, palm reaching for my face.