Pain of July

July 1

Today is the beginning of the endless joy.

I love the weather today. A bit sunny but cloudy, it'll not rain I guess. Mom and I are camping here in our small garden. Napakaganda nang garden na ito. Different kinds of flowers I see everyday. Kahit maliit siya compared sa garden nila Macy, which is my friend, maraming bulaklak naman. Dasies, Baby's Breath, Roses, Carnations and many more. Ang sarap sarap nilang amuyin anytime. They bloom beautifully.

"Mira, remember when I told you about what your dad did to your tita Felice?" Mom asked. Tita Felice is my dad's older sister. She's kind pero medyo strict when it comes to teaching. Teacher siya sa school na pinapasukan ko. Well mom said that those women na running for old maidens ay medyo irritable na. A bit funny kase it is a fact.

About the story of tita Felice and dad arguing about a chocolate candy was the funniest story of all. Kinain ni dad yung candy na para kay tita kaya ayun isang war na. Dahil di nga tumigil si tita Felice sa kakaiyak dad thought of the worst idea ever. Imagine dad is an artist, an art master. And he created a clay candy out of mud. Kinulayan pa niya ito and even put it inside the wrapper of the said chocolate candy to make it real. Alam niyo na yung kinalabasan. Tita Felice cursed him to death. Nakakatawa talaga. Tita tasted a mud, masarap ba yun? Hahaha.

I faced mom and nodded. For the nth time she narrated the whole story. She missed dad as much as I do. Dad died when I was 10. Four years later, mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Now she's in her 2nd chemotherapy. She's been fighting for almost 2 years. She's still smiling kahit alam kong nahihirapan na siya. I don't want to lose her. How selfish of me I know. I only asked for another year with her. I always pray for that.

"Maam Mira, Maam Claire needs to go inside. It's medicine time." A nurse approached us. I just nodded and let her pull the wheelchair where mom is sitting.

"Susunod ako Mom." I said and bid my goodbye. Ayokong makita niyang umiiyak ako. I just want her to be happy everyday.

I wiped my tears and closed my eyes as I feel the morning breeze from the garden.

Mga ilang minutes din akong nagstay bago tumayo mula sa upuan na andoon at pumasok na sa bahay.

I saw mom staring at the window pagkapasok ko sa loob.

"Did you take your meds mom? Kumain kana ba?" I asked. I know she did already. I just want to ask her para marecall niya yung mga ginagawa niya. Minsan kase nakakalimutan niya agad yung mga nagawa niya 5 minutes ago.

"Yes I did. Look at those butterflies. Are they beautiful?" She asked while keep on staring at the window. I saw 2 white butterflies flying around. Parang they are chasing each other.

"Yes they are just like you." I said and kissed her right cheek.

"Mira, I want you to be those butterflies. Even the sun or the rain is coming they're still flying, striving for their dream." She said. I just nodded in response and hugged her tightly.

It is already evening and hinanap ko si mom. I asked the nurse and she said na nasa kwarto niya. I hurriedly go upstairs and pumasok sa kwarto ni mama. Natutulog pala siya. Umupo ako sa dulo nang kama na medyo malapit sa kaniya. Pinagmamasdan ko si mom and later I realized she's not breathing anymore. Nagpanic ako. I can't move. I called the nurse without leaving a single glance sa kaniya. The nurse hurriedly came and checked her vital signs. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. The nurse called an ambulance. When the ambulance came, dinala agad nila si mama and we hurriedly go to the nearest hospital. I keep on praying. Tulalang tulala ako I know. I can't utter a single word.

Time of death: 8:15 pm

She died. She left me.

I asked for an extension I don't know why hindi binigay. I keep on asking why isn't me? Dapat ako nalang.

"Miracle, where's your mom? Asan si Ate? Where is she?" A lady asked me and I know who she is. Tita Felice. She kept on asking at hindi ako makasagot. I heard the doctor answered here and the whole room was filled of tita's cry.

Hindi ko kinaya ang lahat ng nagaganap ngayon. I run away from the hospital. Takbo lang ako nang takbo habang sumisigaw at umiiyak. I can't take it anymore. I'm in pain.

May nakita akong isang bench and there umupo ako. I am drained. Hindi ko alam kung san ako ngayon. All I know is my mom is no longer with me. I can't hug her anymore.

"Let it out, you're not that strong enough to hold back your tears." The person beside me said those things. Hindi ko siya nilingon. Wala ako sa mood makipag-usap.

Ilang minutes akong nanatili doon. Andoon pa rin yung katabi ko. He didn't leave. Wala rin naman akong pakialam. After a minute or two aalis na ako. Hahanapin ako ni tita and ni mama. The thought of mom made me cry.

Biglang may mga bisig na yumakap sa akin na ikinabigla ko. The guy beside me hugs me. What?

"I told you to cry. You keep on holding it. You want to have a heart disease?" He asked. Who is this guy? Anong alam niya sa nararamdaman ko? Wala siyang alam! I kept on pushing him away. Hindi ko siya kilala.

"Tita Felice told me to watch you kaya I'm not a stranger. I'm sorry for your loss." He said. He's sorry for what?

"You're sorry? Nakakaawa ba? Wala kang alam! Wala kang karapatan! I don't know you!  I don't know you! I-I d-don't k-know y-you." I shouted as I kept on pushing him pero hindi niya binitawan ang pagyakap. Umiyak na ako. Hindi ko na kaya. Mom, ang ikli lang nang oras. Mom!

Inuwi niya ako sa bahay namin. Tita Felice called and she said na I should rest siya na ang bahala sa lahat. I just said yes and end the call. Yung lalaki kanina told me he is Tita's student. May mga sinabi pa siya pero I don't mind it at all. Pumasok lang ako sa kwarto and again cried it all.

The most painful day of my life Monday, July 1.