Letters {Watty Awards 2013 Winner}

Letters

    I was in love with you from the very beginning. You were kind, considerate, chivalrous, thoughtful, and the list goes on and on. I admired you from afar, too afraid to confront you in person, and every day I dreamt of what life would be like if you could only see me. To you, I was invisible; you saw me every day, but you were merely looking—never seeing. I was nothing to you. But even so, I never loved you any less.

     After a trying week of many conflicts and struggles, it was plain to see that you were being troubled by something and I decided to write you an anonymous letter in hopes of curing your spirits. I quietly watched a smile appear on your lips as your expression softened. Any traces of sorrow that had once been present on your face slunk back into the shadows, cursing the satisfaction of simple joys for casting them away.

     After opening the neatly folded sheet of notebook paper that I had stealthily slipped into your binder that morning, you surprised me by flattening out the creases in the paper, taking delicate care of it before sliding it into the clear plastic covering your binder, for the whole world to see. You smiled to yourself and that was that. My heart did a little flip as I walked my normally monotonous morning walk to first period French class that day; I carried with me a smile in my heart and a light that was flickering within me.

     Now, I never really planned to continue writing these letters to you, but I overheard you talking with your friends one day, explaining to them how you couldn’t stop thinking about the letter and how you wished you could find the girl behind it. I became nervous at first that you would find me out and just think I was straight up weird for doing that, but I later caught you staring at the letter after a particularly rough day, and all I saw was peace. At that point, I had fallen for you hard; all I wanted to do was give you happiness like that all the time. Thus I wrote you a second letter, which then turned into a third, which turned into a fourth, and so on. I just couldn’t stop writing them. I couldn’t stop seeing your smile—it was the only thing that kept me going.

     Day after day you anticipated a letter from me. If I would go too long before delivering another one, I would hear you disappointedly remarking to your friends, saying that you think I might have forgotten about you. But I could never forget about you. You were my world.

     My letters were soon referred to as “The Smile Series”. The school paper even did a story about it. The entire school knew about it, but because there was no one in that school that I could trust, no one knew my secret. There was a sense of intensity that came with carrying a secret so big and I was sure that someone would eventually crack my identity. You almost found out once, but my poker face was well trained…my hand was full of secrets that you would never be able to know.

     I had considered coming out and telling everyone the truth about my identity, but at that point I was already too late. No one would believe me; they would all think I was just some lonely girl who wanted attention. You see, since people didn’t know the truth about who I was, they all started to assume. Everyone, including you, thought it was the same girl. And that girl wasn’t me. That girl was one of your best friends and the girl you had been convicted of having strong feelings for in the past and vice versa. Being so, there was no doubt that she welcomed the assumptions—you were one of the only decent guys at our school…there was no way she would pass that up.

     Little by little, you fell for her. But you fell for her solely because of who you thought she truly was by the letters. My letters. You fell in love with me and you didn’t even know it.

     I loved so much that you were in love with my letters that I didn’t think you could ever love me the same when you found out my true identity. So I kept writing the letters and let you believe I was someone else. And she certainly had no problem at all with keeping our little unspoken and unacknowledged secret.

     Not one bit.

     Two years after you had graduated was the year that the girl you loved and the girl you thought you loved graduated. You came and saw me get my diploma, but the reason you came was to see her. I saw the way that you looked at her, and it was then that I knew how much your love for her had grown; and it was all because of my letters. Even if I knew it was all a lie, which needless to say, I did, I couldn’t bring myself to impose and tear you two apart. It was hard for me, but by that point, I had learned how to wear a mask and just deal with the pain that came with it.


     Four years later, your wedding day came, and I knew I was far too long overdue. You were about to marry into a lie because I didn’t have the courage to simply tell you the truth. I had single-handedly destroyed any chance I had ever had of being with you, but like I had for seven years, I still loved you. And because I loved you, I felt like you needed the truth.

     I labored for hours trying to find the right words to write in the last letter of The Smile Series, but it was much more painful than I had initially anticipated. After an infinite amount of stationary paper and mangled emotions, I finally sketched out the final words to the final letter:

     “I know that I have waited far too long to say this, and I apologize from the bottom of my heart, but I am not who you think I am. The girl you are about to marry is not the girl who has written you letters all these years. I know I should have told you this before, but you were so happy and I didn’t think you could be as happy if you found out who I really was. Because I loved you, and because I still do, I want you to have everything you deserve. You deserve happiness and the truth. And I’m sorry I didn’t give you the truth when I should have.

      Because I have now done more damage than should have been necessary, I am going to offer you a final congratulations and my best wishes for your future.

 

You will always be in my heart.

 

God bless you.”


     On that rainy summer day of your wedding, I sat in the very last pew and watched her float down the aisle like a princess. I watched your troubled eyes look sadly at her as she said her vows. My heart was breaking into a million pieces and I just wanted to start my new life away from this place right then. My bags were already packed and ready to go. All I had to do was walk out of the chapel, and I would be able to escape this pain-filled town forever. But something was holding me back. I had to make sure you were happy after I had lied to you for so many years. Once you said “I do”, I would know you were going to be okay.

     A tear streamed down my cheek as I waited for those words to come from your lips. I anticipated with my eyes closed in hopes of not exploiting the rest of my tears, but all I heard from you was “I can’t”. The crowd gasped and my eyes shot up at you. I stared at you from the last row, and you stared at me. You gazed at me with such intensity and I became so overcome with emotion that I ran from the chapel. I ran from the people. I ran from my mistakes. I ran from my fears. I ran from nothing. And I ran from everything.

     I wish I could say that I ran away. I wish I could say that you somehow found me and showed up at my doorstep, holding me in your arms, telling me that there was no way you could ever be unhappy knowing that I wrote the letters; telling me that you would love me until the day the Devil ruled all that was good and God was not all powerful.

     But there’s no need to wish that.

     You didn’t do all that when you showed up on my doorstep.

     You did it all before I even left the parking lot.