I Knew They'd Call You

September 1, 2:57am

I can't tell if the constant beeping of the machines around me makes it easier or harder for me to fall asleep. Considering the time, the answer is probably harder by default. Every single time I close my eyes, I can't help but open them again only seconds later. I feel like if I close them for too long, something will happen to you, even though I'm sitting right in front of you. I know that nothing will change and I know that the machines are doing everything for you, but I can't help but be in a constant state of anxiety. I know that no matter what I do, each time I open my eyes you're going to be in the exact same place. I know that, without fail, the rising and falling of your chest is going to stay the same But I can't help but think that if I close my eyes it'll be the last time that I see... you. 

I know, I know that I can't go down this road. I

Today felt real, Em. 

Your mom flew in today- she got her around six. I called her yesterday to tell her what happened and boy was that a conversation. I don't want to say that she was rude to me, but you could definitely tell that she wasn't happy that I was the one calling her and telling her. I couldn't help but get off the phone a little more upset than I already had been. Your daughter is lying in a hospital bed, on a ventilator, in a comatose state, after losing half of her blood volume from getting shot by some psycho. But you're worried about the fact that her "lesbian lover" is the one to call and tell you. I'm sorry, I know she's your mother, but that just rubbed me the wrong way. 

We didn't speak any more apart from her calling me once to find out what floor and room you were in. The impending anxiety that I was already experiencing was only getting worse thinking about how to handle this situation. I am more than comfortable in our relationship, but by the very second that your mother stepped foot into your room, I felt like I had no right to even look at you. I decided to give her some space and leave for a few hours. 

It was the first time since everything I had left you for more than an hour. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't spend most of that time crying in the bathroom. I thought it was genuinely miraculous that at this point I still had any tears left for my eyes to expel. 

Em, your mom is here. Your mom is never here. It scares me. 

After a few hours, I decided to come back to the room. I walked in quietly, and immediately was drawn to your mother, laying her head down on the bed next to you. She didn't look up to me, she could tell who it was. I lingered in the corner for a little while, not even knowing how to start having a conversation about all of this. After a few minutes of me being there, she finally lifted her head and stood up. Once her eyes finally met mine, I could see just how red and bloodshot they were. Em, I had never seen someone's eyes look so battled before. You could see how tear-stained her cheeks were. 

I held my breath as she started to walk towards me. I didn't know what to do and I surely didn't know what to say. She began walking towards me, as I was near the door, and she stopped suddenly beside me. She apprehensively reached out for my hand. She didn't say anything, she just grabbed my hand. I was immediately filled with more sobs that I was forcing myself to choke back. I watched her chest behind to heave and could hear her breathing begin to hitch. Within seconds she wrapped her arms around mine, crying violently into my shoulder. 

Still not knowing where I stood, I didn't say much, I just held her and cried with her, at a complete and dreadful loss of words.

***

Speaking of mothers, I called mine today. It's the first time since we had initially gotten here that we've talked on the phone. She's worried about you, Em. She's never cared this much about anybody that I was associated with in my entire life. She loves you, Emily. I could hear the pain in her voice, knowing that she was just as heartbroken as I was. Within just seconds of being on the phone with her, hearing her voice asking me what was going on, I was practically balling my eyes out again. When she heard me start to cry, she started crying too. My mom doesn't cry, she just doesn't. She's worried about you, Em. 

I just, I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be okay and to be staying strong like this when the constant idea of you not being here is an all-consuming thought that my mind likes to fumble with every waking hour of the damn day. You're all that I think about- I-I don't know how to think about anything else. I don't want to think about anything else. It's you, Emily, it's always been you. I just wish that it wasn't you in the way it is right now. 

She put Henry on the phone, and Em, I just didn't even know what to say to him. My mother hasn't told him what's happened yet, and I just don't know if I can do that to him right now. Hearing his soft and sweet little voice through the phone started me crying again. When he asked if you were going to be okay, I practically collapsed into myself. Emily, I don't know what to say to him. I don't have an answer to that question. 

I'm a wreck. 

It's like the world is standing still. I don't even know how I would characterize a feeling like this. I feel like I'm dreaming. Dreaming a disastrous nightmare I had dread of for as long as I could remember. You don't plan on this happening, you don't prepare for it. And let me tell you, all of the training and programs and experience that I've had could have not prepared me for this, Em. I just, I don't know what to say- to anybody. I'm completely speechless. I burn up and start feeling dizzy. I need to get out of here, do anything to make these feelings go away. But that's not happening unless you're coming out of here with me. 

Em, I don't pray. I don't go to church. I don't know the damn first thing about the bible. I don't even know if I believe in God or not. But sitting by your bedside this morning after the doctors came in, telling me that this is the point where things get better or worse, I didn't know what else to do. I prayed, Emily. I fucking prayed. I had no clue what to say or do. I could barely address the person that I was talking to. I just, I feel so lost, Em. I don't know what else I can do. I just wish it was me. You don't deserve this. 

I should probably try to get some sleep. I just, I miss you, Em. Fuck, I miss you. I don't know what to do without you. I don't even know what day it is anymore. You need to get better, Emily. I can't do this alone. I can't walk through my life without you next to me. You're not allowed to go, I've decided. 

Please, Em. 

I just- I just don't know what to do anymore. 

***A/N*** H y'all! I'm probably going to come back at some point and re-write or add to this chapter. My finals week is coming up so I wanted to take a break and write this, but there's definitely more I want to add to it so keep a lookout for that :) Voting polls open, do we think Emily should stay around a few more chapters?? I hope so! Thanks, y'all.