Addicted To You

40| Forbidden

Chapter 40: Forbidden (Nathan's POV)

I was currently sitting behind the building, staring at the cigarette in my hand, contemplating if I should do it. And I've been doing this for 15 minutes. 

"Don't do it." I looked up, seeing Emma standing there, the door softly closing behind her. 

I didn't say anything to her, just stared at the cigarette. I don't know what to do or what to tell her. I felt horrible. I felt like a piece of shit. I felt like I didn't deserve her. Maybe I don't. She's right. She's had so much patience with me, she's been so determined and persistent. Of course, she's not gonna like it when I call her by my dead ex-girlfriend's name. And I know it's not my fault because it's not like I'm doing it on purpose, but I'm doing it and I'm hurting her. 

It's the period before lunch and I've been sitting out here for pretty much all my classes until now. 

"Is the seat between you and the dumpster taken or can I sit there?" she asked. 

"All yours," I said, tossing the cigarette away. 

She sat beside me, her arm against mine, her legs against mine. "I'm sorry, I could have said all that a little nicer," she apologized. 

"You've been patient for long enough, I don't blame you," I said, staring at our shoes. Her feet are so small against mine. She's tiny herself. 5'4 only. It's cute, I love it. 

"But still," she sighed. "I hurt you, I'm really sorry." 

"I hurt you more. I'm sorry too," I whispered. 

She linked her arm with mine and rested her head on my shoulder. "You get where I'm coming from, right?" 

"Yeah, I do," I replied, "I just don't know how to make it stop. I do it subconsciously." 

"I know you do it subconsciously, that's why I'm not breaking up with you." I looked down at her. "I'm serious, otherwise I would have." 

"That easily?" 

"It would kill me," she scoffed. "But it would be the right thing to do." 

"Emma, I'm really sorry I called you by her name. I seriously am. And I swear I'll try not doing it. Even though I'm unconscious in my sleep. Don't be angry with me, please? I hate fighting with you," I whispered. 

"I hate fighting with you too, I just... we have to do what's right, Nathan. Otherwise, everything will be wrong. And everyone will get hurt." We fell into silence, staring at each other. 

"I really wanna do something I shouldn't." 

"What?" she asked. 

"I really wanna say something that's forbidden." 

It clicked in her eyes. "Don't say it," she shook her head, "Nathan, wait. We have to go slow." 

"Just because I say it doesn't mean things have to change between us." 

"Yeah, but they will. We'll feel the difference. It'll be more serious. We'll have to cradle this relationship and take care of it." 

"We'll be taking care of it regardless. Emma, I want to say it." 

"It's forbidden," she argued. 

"I'm not saying it for you to hear it, I'm saying it for myself to know I said it." 

"Then say it when I'm asleep. So I don't hear it. Nathan, we'll feel the responsibility of this relationship if you say it. We should take it slow, at least we'll know that we have time."