You Are My Angel

"10...9...8... 7...6...5...4... 3...2...1 Happy New Year!!!"

January 2002

This New Year celebration is my first as a wife and a soon-to-be mom. It was exciting to watch the fireworks, knowing that you are in my womb. As I touched my tummy, I was hoping you could hear me. I was trying to explain that the exploding sounds you heard were millions of sparkles in the sky. Then, I felt you move when the fireworks shoot up into the air. The sky was lit with different colors of white, gold, green, and red lights. As I expected, you started moving inside. Dad and I confirmed on your 20th week that you are a strong kicker. You also dance well whenever you hear the "crazy frog." Dad and I were excited because we were going to meet you soon. We both agreed that this year would be one of our best New Year's since we will have you. You will surely complete our family.

We were told you must come sooner, days after the New Year. However, everything was a blur around me. The moments after were still vivid to me even now. I told Dad to make sure he watches over you once you come. When I was brought to the room where everybody was waiting, I could only see black and gray all around me. But I could hear everything they were saying without a doubt. The last words I said to everyone were to take care of you.

Even though I could see nothing at the moment, I heard a woman's voice saying you saved Mom's life. After that, everyone in the room agreed when Dad said he wanted to name you Angel.

In silence, I told myself, "Our angel has arrived."

April 2003

Your 1st birthday has passed. It is my 27th birthday. I felt so lonely, but seeing your smile and feeling your blown kisses made me realize I was not alone. While looking at your button-like eyes, I told you that Mommy struggles with her job. I asked you if I should resign. I wish your small red lips could say something to me then. But even though you can't say anything, you gave me a sign. The hardships we endured together while you were still in my womb flashed back at me. I told you if Mommy and Daddy want to give you a little sister or brother, I have to say goodbye to my job. Our sweet girlfriend in the hospital told us to avoid stress, along with the high stairs in my workplace. Although leaving my work family behind pained me, I quit my first job after six years. I decided that for our family to grow and for you to have a baby sibling, Mommy needs a more relaxing and less stressful working environment.

March 2004

Two months after your 2nd birthday, Mom and Dad must be in the hospital again. Just like you, your baby sister needs to come sooner. I was more afraid this time, so I kept praying that your baby sister would not have a hard time. I do not want her to feel the same pain you had before. I whispered that I needed your help to pray with me so your baby sister would become healthier and stronger. Even if you said nothing, I felt you were a big brother who did everything to protect his baby sister. I know you were happy when the doctor confirmed that although your baby sister is small at 3.10 pounds, she is strong, just as we prayed for. I am sure that you will always be here to guide and protect her. And you helped me pray that she never gets sick despite being born prematurely by a few months.

August 2007

Seven months after your 5th birthday, I can't believe it. I was crying silently and alone in the bathroom. I know you were watching me. You heard me talking to myself. I told you that Dad and I fought. I don't want anyone in the house to listen to it. It was hard to cry without a sound. I kept asking myself what I did wrong. What is it I lack? What did I miss? Or was my decision to work the night shift a mistake? I kept to myself why Dad and I fought. I didn't tell anyone that my heart was aching so much. It was my first broken heart as a married woman. I thought it could only happen in the movies, but that night inside the bathroom, I related so much to the pains and sorrows of all betrayed wives.