It Takes A Certain Sort

If you are expecting a story that has a beginning, middle and end and is following a time line, then you don't know me! Move on to another book! What follows are the ramblings of a call centre cog, written in no specific order and jumping from centre to centre. A lot of my mini stories are true, but equally some are pure fiction and some a mixture of both. You can decide which is which.

If you are still there, this is my second book of many, I hope!

Sit back, grab a beer or a bottle of wine, kick off your shoes and let's enjoy our time together.

Let us begin.

Once upon a time.................

It takes a certain sort of person to work in the new sweatshop, the 'call centre.' It's a weird toolbox.

· A twisted sense of humour

· The ability to work under pressure

· Be able to think quickly

· A quick learner

· A thick skin

· Be able to carry on a conversation, finish the joke and laugh between calls

· Adapt to the needs of the day

· Swallow Shit and Smile

· Develop a split personality

· Be ever so slightly mad

The list is endless, but that will do for now!

When you walk into a call centre, there is a certain buzz and electricity about the place. It's odd, a roomful of poorly paid mini experts, well that's what the public think of us, mini experts, insular in our sardine can.

The room is alive with the buzz of conversation. If the guys are on a call, they are talking to a strange small world inches from their hands and eyes and if not, they are chatting and laughing amongst themselves.

Oh boy, can they talk! About anything and everything at the drop of a hat. But outside of the desk there is an even split of slightly insane extroverts or introverts, just the opposite ends of the scale, nothing in-between.

You know very quickly if you can take to this kind of work or not.

This work is a bitch.

The headset and your desk don't give a damn who is sat in the mission control seat. You work as a well-oiled cog in the machine or you will be destroyed, burnt out and thrown away onto the gibbering scrapheap of humanity.

Your fellow cogs are there for you, but by Can exahrist, learn fast and don't ever let the team down or you will be ostracised and spat out.

The job interview is very quick....

Have you worked in a call centre before?

How long for?

Why did you leave?

If you did not leave from burnout or disciplinary reasons, end of interview.....new cannon fodder!

Same old job, same old shit, it's just a different product you jabber on about knowledgeably all day.

You have a demonic permanently fixed smile on your face. Its drummed into you, 'Smile, the caller can hear it!'

When you are on a call, you are an automaton, you listen and learn super-fast, you believe anything you are told, without question. When the line goes slightly 'ghostly' you are being monitored, frightening at first, but eventually you don't give a damn. Mid conversation, a supervisor's voice could talk to you in one ear while the customer is wittering away in the other. A strange sensation, good job we are split personalities and can function with two calls at once, servicing both voices.

If you are separated from the machine at the end of a call, you have fucked up and your supervisor/monitor is about to chew you out. Take it on the chin, nod and agree, say what you want to say in your head and move on. Even these guys have a job to do. They were sat in your chair once and, if you get one of these guys on a good day, will admit that they remember.............

So, when you sit down at the start of your shift, turn your 'self' off, put your personality on a coat hanger and hang it up, then collect it and slip it back on when going home. It's all about stats now. These are all that matter!

· What is your hourly call rate?

· What is your average call time?

· What is your average 'on hold' time during a call and between calls when this is allowed?

· Are you achieving you target of say about120 calls a day?

· Feedback on a call you took at some moment in time

Sounds like hell doesn't it?

Well, if it's not for you, it is. But if you are that certain type, it's the greatest job in the world!

After an interview some call centres, if they want you, have you sit in with a pet cog for an hour listening into calls. You tell the interviewer afterwards if you want to work for them.

I remember sitting down to listen in at one company. The interviewer took me to the person I would listen to with and left me while the cog was on a call saying, 'Introduce yourself and come find me in an hour or so.'

When I was able to plug in I just said, 'Internal Audit' and sat down. They went white and I heard the perfect company call. I burst out laughing at the end of the call and said who I was.....apparently I do not know who my father is!!!! When I started she was my team leader and we became the best of friends. We dined out on 'internal audit' for a long time, She had the cut of me. We had some great pranks and windups during my time there.