RED (BILLIE EILISH)

Seven

When I woke up, Billie's face was a few centimeters away from mine and her arm was draped loosely over my waste. A smile grew on my face as I reminisced on what happened the night before. I studied her face, moving the hair that had fallen over her eyes.

I have never met a human so hard and strong, but so sweet and so soft. I watched intently as she stirred in her sleep and let out a small unconscious sigh.

And then it hit me.

She is going to wake up.

This is real life.

I have feelings for someone.

Someone that could not feel the same way about me.

Someone that could leave.

Someone that could die.

Tears stung the back of my eyes as reality set in.

I can't allow myself  to care. She will be gone.

I separated our bodies as quickly as I could without waking her up before putting my clothes on and walking out of the door.

When I got home, my aunt sat on the couch with coffee in one hand and a book in the other. I shut the front door quietly though it was no help.

"Hi sweat pea." She set her book and coffee down, freeing her hands and holding open her arms towards me.

Before I could fully allow myself to question what was happening tears were streaming down my face. I sat next to my aunt, sinking in to her embrace. She stroked her hand through my hair, rubbing my back with the other as I sobbed in to her chest.

When I was walking home, I was preparing myself for the yelling and crying that I thought I was about to walk in to. My mom would have already taken my phone, yelled that she was disappointed, upset, and angry with me, and pushed me into my room.

"Shh baby it's okay. You're okay." She whispered before kissing my forehead.

I fell apart in the arms of grace. Finally allowing myself to feel.

Hurt.

Frustration.

Anger.

Guilt.

They all hit me one by one, each bringing a new set of tears. And then as my aunt Jenna ran her fingers through my brown hair and whispered comforting words in my ear as if they were only ever meant for me, I felt love.

For the first time in almost 4 years, I finally felt what it feels like when somebody loves me. I gripped on to her shirt, my knuckles turning white, wanting to hold on to that love so tight that it could never slip away again.

I'm not sure how much time has passed now. I'm still in the same place, white knuckles and all. My aunt's hand is still brushing through my hair and rubbing my back. Now it's quite.

I took a deep breath in and sat up, my aunts gentle hands reaching my face. I let a few more tears spill out of my eyes as she whipped them away with the pad of her thumb.

"You are good." Her voice broke as she held back tears if her own. "You are kind, compassionate, and so so strong." She smiled as she tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "And you are okay."

I nodded slowly, allowing myself to take her words into consideration.

I am good.

Kind.

Compassionate.

Strong?

"I'm sorry." Was all I managed to get out.

She shook her head. "No." She pulled me to her embrace once again, wrapping me in her arms. "I'm so so sorry." She whispered in my ear.

At first I was confused. I'm the one that went to a party and didn't come home. I didn't call or text to tell her where I was going or how long I would be out. I drank all night, which you could still smell all over me. I didn't understand why she was apologizing. But as I felt her tears hit my shoulder and soak into my shirt, I realized that she wasn't going to punish me because I was already punishing myself. Somehow she sees right into me. She always has. While everyone else sees my rough, "couldn't give a fuck" exterior, she sees my tender heart that I won't ever admit to having.

The rest of the morning was calm. We cooked breakfast together and listened to soft music. We laughed at my failed attempt of flipping an egg and her horrible impression of Gordon Ramsey. I finally let my mind rest. There was no need to front or lie or try to hide myself. I was home.

billie: wish i could have woken up next to you. hope you got home safe.

A smile grew on my lips as I stared down at my phone.

"Mmm who is that?" I looked up to my aunt wiggling her eyebrows at me.

I rolled my eyes, trying to hide my blush. "I- Um- She-"

"She?" I looked down at my plate covered in syrup, not wanting to meet her stare.

I nodded hesitantly.

"Is she gentle?" my aunts voice softened as she placed her hand over mine from across the table.

I blushed again, this time giving in and allowing Billie to take over my mind. Warmth spread over my chest as I thought about the little time I have had with her and how much I had learned.

A lot of things go on in that big beautiful brain of hers, seemingly constant, each thing drastically different from the next.

She likes music, Brockhampton and David Bowie for sure, and possibly now Cage the Elephant.

She enjoys burritos and sunsets and city lights.

And now she likes the color green, like my eyes.

And she is... so gentle.

I nodded my head confidently in response to my aunts question I had almost forgot to answer. "Gentle, soft, sweet." I muttered, unable to wipe the grin off my face.

"Can't wait to meet her." She squeezed my hand before taking our plates to the sink.

carter: had to go home to my aunt, didn't want to worry her. next time :)

billie: so there is a next time???

I chuckled at her eagerness and locked my phone to let her wonder.

Suddenly the fear of losing her seemed less and less as the longing for her seemed more and more. I hadn't really had time to stop and think about the way she was making me feel until now.

Shit. I'm in deep.

A/N

Let's just hope Billie feels the same wayyyy

:)