To Serve Man

When the aliens finally arrived on earth, first singly, then in greater numbers, executive manager Jasper Caulfield only really considered two possibilities for their arrival, both heavily influenced by decades of books, movies, TV shows, and his massive Bradbury and Asimov phase in his adolescent years: That they came either to serve man or to serve man-on a platter. But Jasper never considered...whatever this was, exactly.

"...And as a result, I was part of Ratification Committee of the Intergalactic Treaty #584772939 that redrew galaxy lines, admitted new member planets, and established severe penalties for space marauders and pirates." The alien's telekinetic voice in his head was a cool disaffected smoothness, though audible even other its Morse code pincer clicks (some aliens were a century behind on Earthian technology). "The treaty was noted as the first step in the right direction of true galactic peace. Urg Today! noted it my 'the finest achievement to date,' though Gallifrey Gazette called it 'a weak compromise headed by the worst son of a Urg.'"

"Yes, that's all very good," he said with strained politeness. "But, er, Mr. Urg 489-"

"Call me Bill," intoned Bill solemnly through pincer clicks. "It is my chosen Earth name."

Well, at least they were flexible. "Right, er, the thing is, I think you may be overqualified for this job. There is also a matter of your education."

"I was educated at the Mars Academy for Intergalactic Diplomacy, the finest institute this side of the Milky Way, and accredited by one hundred and fifty-seven galaxies."

That was what he thought. "I'm sorry, but since that is not an American or American-accredited institution, I'm afraid I cannot accept your credentials. I could accept references to prior employers, though, I see you left that blank."

"Everyone except a couple of hundred of my kind and Commander Urg #83933 was slaughtered when the Tuffles destroyed our planet, using the warrior race called the Saiyans as mercenaries."

"I'm sorry to hear that," he said sincerely, if awkwardly, shuffling papers. "Well, what I can do is refer you to a good community program to help you build your résumé. Waitressing is a demanding job with many requisite skills. Many employers prefer at least a high school degree."

"I understand," said Bill with a sad clink of his pincers.

As the alien glided away with the reference, he sighed and crossed out his name on the list of other aliens. There were just some things professional development never prepared you for, and stories of intergalactic treatises and genocide was one of them.