✓ | Ave Atque Vale ⋆ Jem Carstairs

⋆ ˚ 。⋆ ✧ ⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼ epilogue.

⋆ ˚ 。⋆ ✧ ⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼⎼ ✧ ⋆ 。˚ ⋆

EPILOGUE: HEALED SOUL

❛for James Carstairs, the boy who deserves the world.❜

⋆ ✧ ⋆

Dear James,

There's really no easy way to put my thoughts into words, but I want you to know that I am sorry. I'm so sorry and I pray that one day you will be able to forgive me. I pray that the day that you find strength to continue with your life reaches you quickly – for you, James Carstairs, deserve the world. The world I could not offer you.

If you are reading this, it means that the day I was so afraid of actually came.

If you are reading this, it means I have not fulfilled what I had promised and for that – I am terribly and truly sorry. I have failed you and I have failed Will. I can only pray that you find a piece of your heart big enough to forgive me.

If you are reading this, it means that I have died. I have actually died. I can't believe that I am writing this, but I just have this unusual feeling in the bottom of my chest – it smells, no – it feels like death. For now, I am not sure if it is mine or someone else's, but either way – I need you to know this. I need you to be okay with this.

I wish I could have said goodbye to you in person, but perhaps this is easier. Better, for both of us. This way we wouldn't have to feel everything ten times deeper. This way you will be spared from seeing me at my worst - which I am glad. I want you to remember me for the good things. I like to imagine that you see me as fierce and beautiful, so - allow me to keep that moment of glory.

Please do not feel guilty about anything, for I know that you will look for the responsibility of my death within yourself first. You will try to replay the events and search for the moment where everything went wrong. But, perhaps it didn't go wrong.

It is not your fault, James. It was never your fault.

Don't be sad about this. I want you to remember all of the good memories we shared. I want you to remember all the smiles we exchanged.

Raziel, I want you to smile. For we have shared something beyond this world. I think I can safely say that we loved each other; at least I know I loved you. And not just in a way that you love a friend. I loved you with all my heart and all my strength. I let the love consume me and fuel me. That love, the love I felt for you is something I will be forever grateful to you.

It made me get to know my real self. You taught me compassion, kindness and love. You showed me that I was capable of feeling everything – happiness, love, sadness, anger – everything, Jem. You taught me to share my best traits with the world and I thank you for that.

You were my shoulder to cry upon and I like to think that I helped you in a way also. I hope that I did, at least.

But Jem, more than anything, I need you to know that we loved with a love that was more than love. And though we have never truly spoken the three sacred words, our souls were connected in a special way. Forever.

Oh, if only our 'forever' lasted longer.

I know, Will always said that you don't always get what you want. After all, the world is cruel. But, Raziel! You made my world better and less cruel than it would have been if I never met you.

Even today, I gladly reminiscence on the day that you arrived at the Institute. You changed our lives, James Carstairs. You made us better versions of ourselves. Even Will. Only I have ever seen Will's good side, but he had opened to you, too. He sees your soul. Your unique, out-of-this-world soul.

I never thought that our story would end this way, but somehow the two of us were bound to feel pain our whole lives.

But please, I am begging you. Do me one last favor. After you read this letter, be happy. Be okay. Stand tall and proud, as you always had. Let the world see the precious smile of yours.

James Carstairs, you deserve happiness again, especially because you gave me so much of it. You made me whole and I hope that I made you feel whole, too.

I love you. It was only you ever that held a piece of my heart. Do not ever forget that.

Forever yours,

Beatrice Fairchild.