Anonymous

27

Bonnie paced her bedroom, staring down at her phone screen. She'd typed out what she wanted to say already, she just didn't want to send it. Sending it to an actual person, no matter how anonymous they were, still made it real.

She paced a little bit more. Frowned at the screen. Paced again. Breathed out. Then, on a whim, she pressed send. The text had gone out into the universe. Gone to M. It was there, ready for her judgement. Bonnie was terrified. She read over the text, already regretting writing it, let alone sending it.

B (11:07AM): As much as I've tried to ignore every single thing you've said about my sexuality, as much as I've tried to push it down and make it go away... I think I might like a girl. This is the first time I've ever consciously had a crush and I don't really know what to do about it. I also don't know what the hell that means for me. What my sexuality is, if I've only ever liked 1 person. A girl. Unless you were right and that feeling for that girl when I was younger was more than envy. Which means I've never liked a boy. Which means everyone was right.

She regretted writing that last part especially. Because the truth was, people had assumed her sexuality before. Bonnie had always denied it – mostly because she never thought they were right – but it was never good enough. She'd never told M that, because she knew it would just fuel her anonymous friend's suspicions. But now she was owning up to it, so she might as well tell her some of the truth.

She couldn't tell her all of it. No way. Not even anonymously. It was too painful.

When her phone buzzed, she shook the negative thoughts away and braced herself for M's message.

M (11:10AM): i know it can be so hard to figure this kind of thing out. i've been there. but you don't need to rush to label yourself. you don't ever really need to label yourself, not if that would make things worse. sometimes it's better for people to just go through the motions because they have no idea what their sexuality is or who they could end up liking, and that's okay. this girl is your first crush, and this is the time to find yourself. maybe she wants to find herself with you. you never know.

B (11:11AM): She has a boyfriend, so I don't think so.

B (11:12AM): And about the 'no label' thing... I can see how that might be appealing. But for me... I can never let a question go unanswered. Plainly, it's rather out of character for me, not to theorise who you are. I could probably figure it out, if I tried hard enough. So just leaving my sexuality unanswered? Not knowing for sure? That sounds like it would be worse, but I'm also not too keen on the stress of figuring it out.

M (11:14AM): sucks that she's got a boyfriend, dude. and whatever you want to do with your sexuality, whatever will help you get comfortable with it, you've got to decide that for yourself. you're young and like i said, now is the time to explore and discover yourself and date around. experiment, you know? and im here to give you any help you need.

Bonnie looked at the words on the screen, feeling instant comfort. She knew it was stupid, but M didn't even feel like a real person. Perhaps it was because Bonnie didn't know her in person, but M just felt like some really good artificial intelligence. Of course, she wanted to meet her. Eventually. But maybe not until she was totally figured out.

B (11:16AM): What do you think I am?

B (11:16AM): I know you can't like, pick my sexuality for me. But from everything you've heard, what do you think?

M (11:16AM): honestly? it doesn't sound like you like boys at all

M (11:17AM): but i'm not you and i don't even know you irl, so............ i could be super wrong, that's just based off what you've told me