Anonymous

24

Bonnie (1:32PM): I've been thinking about it again. I promised myself that after I talked to you about it and you said that thing about how just because I don't like certain boys doesn't mean I don't like boys in general but then I felt something towards this girl who I'm not even that close to and I'm really scared, M. Help?

M (1:34PM): I'll only answer you if you answer something for me

M (1:34PM): there's nothing wrong with being gay and even though you've said those exact same words before, you still act like you think it's a bad thing to be. why is that?

M (1:34PM): I can tell that there's something personal behind it and I'm not asking you to tell me that, I just want to know why you see it as a bad thing

Bonnibel stared down at the three texts and shifted in discomfort. Although she was glad that M couldn't see her, she wished she had someone to hug, even if it was only for a few seconds. She didn't plan on telling M anything that wasn't need-to-know information, and she didn't consider the thing bouncing around her mind to be need to know. It was just information on things that had happened in the past.

Past being the key word.

She paused and gave herself enough time to think up a decent answer, unsure of how to explain that she didn't think there was anything wrong with being gay but in a better way than she already had, because apparently M still didn't believe her.

Bonnie (1:37PM): I never said there was anything wrong with being gay. I just don't want to be because it's not seen as the social 'norm', and I don't really fit in as I am. I don't want to fit in less.

She hoped that her answer was sufficient enough. It didn't really get her point across as much as she'd hoped, but did its job well enough.

M (1:38PM): you're not the only not-straight person on the planet. I'm not straight. lots of my friends aren't straight. it seems like a big deal right now because you're only just picking up on this, but I promise that it's not. sexuality doesn't define you as a person unless you let it.

The way M wrote that brought across a sense of finality. You're not the only not-straight person on the planet. Bonnibel's heart pounded in fear at the thought. M seemed to think that she definitely wasn't straight, and even Lady had had a hunch that Bonnie didn't like guys.

The way she always focused on the woman in rom com movies. The way she'd never felt weird or jumpy around an attractive boy, but pretty girls made her stomach wriggle and twist and turn and her diaphragm flutter. They way she'd never had a crush she'd noticed before. It all added up.

Squeezing her eyes shut, Bonnie shook her head. No, it didn't add up. She just didn't have romantic interest yet. She'd want to date in a few years and everything would be fine. She'd find a nice boy and they'd settle down and have kids, and she'd live a peaceful life without all of this confusion.

Except when she thought about marrying a boy, she didn't feel anything. She was supposed to feel excitement, wasn't she?

Bonnie (1:40PM): I mean... I guess I could be like, bisexual? Or something? Maybe I'm just curious.

Bonnie (1:40PM): Yeah, that's it. I'm just curious. It's probably just all of the new stuff going on in my life that's freaking me out and making me feel like I should try new things. That happens, doesn't it?

Bonnie (1:41PM): This is all going to go away soon enough. That's kind of a relief. I just have to ignore it and I'll be fine.

She put her phone on her lap and let out a shaky breath. Although M was her confidant, she'd mostly typed all of that out for her own reassurance. Obviously she was just worried and confused because of the move, and this sexuality thing was merely her way of channelling that confusion into something else subconsciously.