One of my biggest fears is abandonment. The fear of being abandoned by the ones I love most scares the shit out of me. For most of my life I've relied on others to tell me I'm doing okay. I've relied on them to help me get through my struggles. I've also relied on them to speak to about my problems or things that are bothering me.
I have pretty big attachment issues. I get attached to the ones I trust/love pretty quickly. I have to see them frequently. If I can't see them, I have to talk to them frequently. If they're away for a certain amount of time I start to get upset because I can't talk to them. After a while I'll panic because my mind says "what if you get upset soon and they aren't there to help you/calm you down".
My mind has a lot of 'what ifs' and it messes with my mind. If a certain person is away for a while I'll start to think "what if they don't wanna talk to me" "what if they've forgotten about me" "what if they're talking to someone that is making them happier than what I can" that one pops up a lot, along with "what if they enjoy talking/seeing someone else more than me" that sounds selfish I know. It's not meant to be though. It's how my mind operated sometimes.
I hate getting into arguments with them because I get scared. I get scared that they'll leave. I get scared that they are going to hate me. I get scared that they will leave and never come back. I put the blame on me and constantly apologise, even if they say stop. Even if they say It's not my fault, I'll continue to apologise.
I think about certain people leaving sometimes and I cry. I get so upset because I can never picture my life without them. It would hurt so fucking badly if they left.
