Gryffindor in Narnia

ᴛʜᴇ ꜰɪʀꜱᴛ ᴏꜰ ꜱᴇᴘᴛᴇᴍʙᴇʀ

𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝟡
~ the first of September ~

⋘ ──── 𝔫𝔞𝔱𝔞𝔩𝔦𝔞 ──── ⋙

For the first time in my life, I wished that I listened to my heart instead of my head. Never in my life had I felt such conflicting emotions. I was repulsed with myself. With my actions. Why? After all he did to me, why had I still been craving his touch? My brain is screaming at me to meet up with him. To tell him I love him. It's trying it's best to convince my heart that I love him.

It controls my actions so that everything I do is in the intention to please him. I find myself pushing away my friends, burning their letters away, ignoring them as they banged on my door asking for a chat. As per Tom's request of course. But all my heart wanted to do was to leave him. To open the door and crumble in my friends' loving arms. My heart was telling me that this boy was bad news. Especially after what he did to me that night in the woods.

The actions he made, the chances he took advantage of. A fire burned in my heart at the thought of it, my stomach felt like a big hole had sucked away all my insides. I found myself scrubbing my skin over and over again, wanting to get rid of the feeling of his hands on them. I scrubbed and scrubbed until my skin was blistering all over, but I could still feel him.

Taunting me, mocking me in every single way. For befriending muggleborns, for being a half-breed. I couldn't get his words, his actions, out of my mind. Every inch of me wanted to forget it, lock it into a steel chest and toss it into the bottom of the ocean so that nobody could ever release it.

But my brain, it keeps replaying it over and over. Telling me to enjoy it because I love him. Because I'm in love with him. Because my affection for him lets him do anything to me.

I'm so confused. I have no idea why I'm in love with him. I have no idea why I still feel affection for him after what he did. I have no idea why the thought of him not being right next to me at this very moment makes me want to kill myself. I have no idea why I want to get on a broom and soar all over England just to be with him. Just to feel his touch on my skin once more.

I have no idea why after what had happened, I'm still so willing to ditch my friends for him. The people who have been by my side since the beginning of first year. Why I am suddenly repulsed by the sight of muggles and muggleborns after he told me not to acquaint myself with them.

Dad had it hard. All of a sudden, his little girl had changed. Suddenly she hated all her friends. He must be so confused as to why I'm locking myself in my room. Why I'm suddenly wearing sweats and a big jumper.

My hands found themselves wrapped around my stomach, where he had kneed me, leaving a big ugly bruise. It was purple and blotchy, and it hurt to even bend down to tie my shoes. I found myself cutting into my wrist, over and over again. Who knows, maybe it will get me to snap out of it. Maybe I would be able to be free of all this pain one day.

One day, somebody will notice that I'm trapped. Trapped in this horrid relationship. Trapped in this tormented mind. Trapped in this scarred body. Somebody will release me from this hell. I just hope that that person comes quickly.

⋘ ──── ∗ ⋅◈⋅ ∗ ──── ⋙

It's the first of September. All my clothes, books and necessities have been packed in my trunk, along with my school uniform in my carry on bag. Dad apparated us in an alleyway outside the train station and lead us through the crowded platforms onto the wall leading to platform 9¾. It was always an exciting rush to run through the wall only to end up onto the magical part of the station.