behind the streams | dnf

three | aftermath

DREAM

The screen's swallowed into blackness before a cyan glow overshadows two characters. Sweet, sweet victory coaxes a smile and away the tautness in my muscles as I finally let my hands tear away from the keyboard. Most of the Discord call explodes in groans and exasperated sighs, but I'm laughing.

"Oh my god, that was such a hard play," I hear Corpse rumble behind the plethora of overlapping voices. "They literally had us in the first round."

I jump in to congratulate him on our shared success, words spilling and rambling happily like I always do in the whirl of rushed thoughts. Practically gloating on how the others had practically sought us out right after the first round, but with carefully fabricated defenses and wordless cues, three kills were after the scattered initials. Just barely managing to squeak by, lowering the suspicions of the others and maybe some of them even realized but by then it was too late.

The screen changes into the opening lobby, as everyone's revived and their voices swarm in and out of proximity. I let my character wander around the screen, hearing the change in the pitter-patter of the footsteps on different areas of the dropship. After a short period of discussion and good-natured arguments, another round starts, the opening of the red crewmate shushing us all.

Crewmate again. But I'm more relieved than anything else. The last round incited a restlessness that leaves me still jumpy despite the triumphant outcome, and I just need a cool down.

"I have to pee, really bad," Corpse suddenly announces, causing a swelling of giggles from the rest of the call. "I'll be back."

"Okay, no one move," Rae laughs, most of the crewmates still standing in the opening circle.

"No, no, I'm moving." I stir, doing keys and immediately taking off. "I'm gonna speedrun my tasks."

I head to the telescope, quickly click away at the bothersome red rectangles. "I'm gonna speedrun my tasks. Speedrunning my tasks!"

Laughter bubbles up when I see that most of the chat is spamming the speedrun music. "Write down my coords, chat!" It's funny, in a bittersweet way. I can't really decide.

On one hand, it's like a nice callback. If nice could be used to describe the past months.

"I'm gonna speedrun, I'm in the Nether!"

I shove away bad memories with times of before.

That's all it takes. A shove, and for a bizarre, otherworldly moment it feels like one of my streams again.

One of my streams again, not this preliminary of a broadcast. My character stops on the purple ground, in midst of the snowy caps of Polus. As the mirage passes in front of my very eyes, I freeze in real life too. The layout of each window, the mastered composure knowing I'm live to thousands, the familiar smooth of the mouse under my hand, of leaning forward in my seat, and the anticipation in every movement.

My character stands immobile on the screen. I force myself out of whatever delusion I accidentally wandered into with tinges of reluctance. I snap out of the thoughts, the debate I've pondered over with myself, with George, for the past however-long-it's-been.

It's a miracle no one's killed me yet. My hand moves tentatively back to the keyboard.

"This video, we try and speedrun Among Us tasks before Corpse is done with his piss. Can we do it, or will we die trying?"

I look at the chat just to make sure no one's picked up the newfound drag of my words, under this over-the-top attempt at comedy. I'm welcomed with something else.