suffocation | dreamnotfound

april 27th

~ tw: mentions of homophobia and abuse. please read at your own risk. ~

philophobia. the fear of falling in love. the fear of emotional connection.

for years, it had made it hard for george to get close to anyone. he constantly had a crippling fear of loving anyone, afraid they would leave, afraid they would abandon him. george was afraid of loving someone who didn't love him back and losing those he loved unconditionally.

it was years ago when he decided he just wouldn't love at all; he had distanced himself from everyone, knowing that if he talked to no one, he couldn't fall in love with anybody. he turned to video games, coding, and sleeping for three quarters of the day. and then he met dream on munchymc, and suddenly he had an influx of friends.

george got a therapist almost immediately to help him cope with all the new people in his life, though the philophobia never really went away. there was always a thought at the back of his head telling him not to get too close, or else he'll find himself head over heels and drowning in love.

george never said "i love you", the words got stuck in his throat and besides, he wasn't too fond of the statement anyways. he did not need to love anyone; he was quite content with a life alone where he had friends who he cared for and who cared for him.

besides, never loving anyone romantically would help save his relationship with his family. after all, the fear came from them in the first place.

when he was a young boy, he loved his parents. they treated him like their golden boy, took him on vacations, and gave him almost everything he wanted. back then, george used to love the world, and he loved everyone in it. he was a protected child who knew there was bad in the world, but none of that negativity would ever reach him. george used to be invincible.

he was only eleven when it all changed. george was so giddy when he came home, excited to tell his mom the wonderful news of the day. he expected a wide smile and a hug, and maybe she would be proud of him for growing older and experiencing something new.

george had made a new friend with a boy in his class and it was nothing but innocent. george, with his then limited understand of the world and relationships, believed that he loved the boy. his mistake was ever admitting that to his mom.

he remembered the red welts on his arms and face. she said she would get the sin out of him herself, and god help him if those words ever left his mouth again. she then cried, playing victim, saying that her golden boy was gone, her baby disappeared and replaced by the devil's influence.

george never meant to hurt his mom, and he felt like a monster. he realized what being gay was, but denied it vehemently. he tricked his parents into believing him, putting on a perfect straight act from that day on. he never could love his parents again as they made his world so dark, ruining him.

many years later, he stopped trying to deny he was gay to himself, but he would never say the words outloud. no one would ever know he was gay because no one had a reason to. he would never get into a relationship or get married because he didn't want to see the hatred on his mom's face again and be outcasted. george wanted everyone to be proud of him, except he had no one.

he was a teenager in high school when he was introduced to the term philophobia, and he knew that's what he experienced. he was almost hysterical if he ever thought about really falling in love and the consequences that would come with it.

every day it was a struggle. every time dream begged him to say "i love you" back, it felt too intimate. joking around never bothered him because it was nothing more than play-pretend, and his parents never payed attention to his content anyways. even though he convinced them he was straight, he never held a position of respect by them again, and they didn't give enough shits to support their son. every comment that he made with his friends about dating, he was always able to brush off, even if he shuddered when he thought about them days later. the words meant nothing, and george would keep it that way. besides, all of his friends were straight so he knew that they didn't mean the words either.

he avoided ever getting personal with his friends, scared he would say too much at some point and his entire façade would crumble. he didn't want his friends to judge him, even though he knew they were accepting of the lgbtq+ community. george didn't want to be thought of as different, even though he knew his friends niki and eret would always support him, and truly everyone else would too.

he was so jealous of niki and eret for being so happy with who they were, and wished he could be happy too. he didn't want to think of himself as being ashamed to be gay; he prefered to think of it as just a fear of being outcasted. it helped his conscience sometimes.

george was also jealous of dream. he was jealous of how respected he was and how admired he was. he knew dream had a wonderful family who loved him beyond belief. he was even jealous of dream's appearance, often wishing he looked stronger to please his mom's ideas on what "true masculinity" was.

most of all, george was jealous of how many people were proud of dream. he was so loved by millions of people.

meanwhile, george couldn't even be proud of himself.