suffocation | dreamnotfound

june 15th

george's mind had been in overdrive since the moment dream had ended the call hours and hours ago. had he hurt dream? is that why he wanted to leave? was he a terrible friend? he never meant to hurt dream if that was what happened. he swore that he would fix it if dream just came back.

what had george done to deserve losing his best friend? is was like dream had died, but maybe it hurt more. it hurt more that his best friend would be an ocean away, four thousand miles, an entirely separate continent, just carrying on with his life. it hurt more knowing that one day, dream would probably let george slip from his mind as he settled down with a family. george's heart skipped a beat at that thought; it was terrifying. the past flashed before george's eyes as he realized there would be no more memories like that.

maybe george wished dream was dead. it would hurt less knowing dream was forced to leave him rather than choosing to leave him. then, george was eaten up with guilt at the fact he even thought of that. dream deserved to live; if he wanted to move on and leave this life behind, he had every right. george just wished it didn't have to be this way.

his feelings were in a whirlwind. that sadness and guilt disappeared, replaced with deep anger that consumed him.

"what do you mean that you love me?" george shouted as if dream could hear him. "you say you love me and then you leave me? what sense does that make? oh right, it doesn't make sense at all!"

george threw a pillow, watching it as it hit the wall before falling weakly to the floor. he fell to the ground with it, screaming to the ceiling and the stars beyond it.

"how many times was i there for you? how many times did i make you laugh? i was a good person to you and then you just left! i hate you! i hate you, i hate you, i hate you!" george let the venomous words hang in the air before he started to sob, cries shaking his entire body. "i was a good person to you clay. come back to me."

just like that, all the anger disappeared, replaced by the guilt once more. george knew it was his fault, even if he didn't really know anything at all. he pulled up their old messages, scrolling through weeks worth of texts, looking for some reason that dream may have left him, something that he said that was taken the wrong way. there was nothing. his eyes were so full with tears anyways that it was nearly useless to do that.

everyone would leave george. he was sure of it. his mom was right when she said he was unlovable the way he was. george would always be left behind. he wasn't worth anyone's time and that was something he was forced to accept. his heart cracked at the thought of being alone like he was so many years ago. it was true, he never got hurt in those years, but did he want to be alone again? the answer was no. george wanted to have people around him. he wanted friends who cared for him.

george wanted to love. even if dream had left him, george wouldn't trade those times together for the world. even if that happiness was temporary, he would run for it. fuck what his mom said, fuck what the world said. george would open himself up more. it's what dream would have wanted.

but at this moment, george only felt like he was endlessly falling towards an inescapable depression. in a weak attempt to feel rooted to the world, george called sapnap, lifting himself off the floor and bringing himself to his desk.

"hello?" sapnap said shakily. he had a feeling that george would be absolutely beside himself at the moment, and he was right. george's sobs interrupted most of his words as he pleaded with the younger boy to give him advice or atleast just stay with him for awhile so he could get this all figured out.

"promise you won't leave me too, nick. you're my best friend. i couldn't live if both of you were gone."

"i'm not going anywhere." sapnap promised, tears running down his face. he wanted to sit down with george in person and they could work through this together. once this died down a little, sapnap would remind himself to plan a meet-up with george; it was long overdue.

the boys sat on the phone for hours, their sobs mixing and their words coated with pain. eventually, there came a point where george couldn't even cry anymore. he sat there for so long, letting his eyes stay unfocused, before he tried to clear his head.

sapnap heard george suddenly start to type, confused on what he was doing. he thought about questioning it but it could have been more personal for all he knew. minutes after the fact, george spoke up.

"i'm going to florida. my flight leaves in two days, on thursday."

"you're going to where george? are you sure you want to do that? are you going to see dream?" sapnap spit the questions rapidly, worry making his brow crease.

"to florida. i'm sure, i already bought the tickets. i have to. nick did i...did i do something wrong to clay to make him leave?"

"you did nothing wrong, it's not any of our faults. i truly think you should just stay home, please." sapnap was practically begging, but his words were falling upon deaf ears.

"i need the closure, i need to see him even if it's the last time i will ever speak with him. i can't do this, just having this hanging over my head for the rest of my life like a guillotine."

"and if it hurts him? isn't this what he didn't want?"

george flinched at the words, knowing there was truth in them. he knew dream didn't want george to contact him ever again, but george couldn't have begun to guess why.

"i know he didn't want this but i need to take that risk. if he wants me to leave, i'll go immediate. i just- if dream really doesn't want to see me, do you think i could meet you in texas?" george practically held his breath as he waiting for sapnap's response.

"my home is always open to you." sapnap finally said, closing his eyes to avoid more tears from flowing.

"thank you nick." george hunched over, laying his head in his arms that rested on the desk.

"please get some rest for now george. take care, okay?"

george nodded even though sapnap couldn't see him. he was so grateful for him.

when the call ended, sapnap let himself sob again. he had a feeling that george would never get whatever "closure" he desired and it would all be too late. he hit his desk, trying to release all the pent up frustration and sadness that had rooted itself in him.

sapnap had had his last conversation with dream yesterday. for him, it was already over.