Why Didn't You Love Me For Me?

Chapter 1

After my father's death, things didn't get better like I had hoped. My mother had the stress of being the bread winner for our family and had to work two jobs. Mom always made sure that me and my brothers had everything. We went school shopping for my first year of Highschool even though I told her we didn't have to. And for awhile we were happy, other than the expected bullying I had in school; things were okay.

At the end of my freshman year, I finally had the nerve to come out to my mother as gay. Even though I knew that she already knew; It was still so nerving to tell her. The fear that maybe I read the signs wrong and she would hate me... Not love me like my father didn't. To my relief all my mother did was knock me on the head with the magazine she had in her hand and said, "Is that all?". After that I felt as if things got easier for me. I started to be more of myself around my family and friends from school. I even had a small relationship at the start of my sophomore year.

I started to feel as if things were on the verge of change. My oldest brother Nathen graduated college and was starting to work for this prestige company. And my other brother Jake was in his first year of college doing who knows what. Last I heard he joined some Fraternity that branded his ass cheeks. When mother found out about that all hell broke loose. Let's just say my bother couldn't sit on his ass for a week and it wasn't because of the branding. It was all these positive changes that blindsided us from the turn for the worse.

Mother wasn't being completely honest with me and my brothers. She sat us down one afternoon and told us that she has been battling cancer for a couple of years now. That her and my father felt best not to worry us. But how could they keep this from us. At any chance we could have lost her. And I couldn't lose my mom. She is my rock, my guardian, my mother...

After my hysterics and my brothers' anger of being lied to, she calmed us down saying that for awhile they thought they beat the cancer. But unfortunately, it had come back and that no matter what she was going to fight and win. My brothers tried to convince my mother they would move back to help but my mother wouldn't have any of that. "No! You will not put your lives on hold for me. The best way to help me fight is to know that you all are living and happy... And if both of them tried to come back, she will change the locks." I think deep down at that point my mother knew that she wouldn't beat cancer this time. I believe in her heart that by letting us live our lives to the fullest she was giving us the best gift she could ever give us. And that was to live a life that she possibly couldn't.

It did not take long for the disease to take a toll on my mother. Everything started to move so fast... she was hospitalized during Christmas vacation. I remember asking for god that night for my mom to make it out of this. Seeing her start to turn into something that was not herself, but the disease was so haunting. The nights I stayed with her in the hospital she would say my father's name asking for him to come back. It was at that point that I believed that it wasn't only the cancer that was killing her but the broken heart of losing my father.

I was called out of class on February 16 to be met with my oldest brother at the school entrance. And just by looking at him I knew she was gone. My breath caught in my throat and once it was released, I felt the loss of my mother. Having to bury my mother was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I didn't know how to say goodbye to her. I didn't know how I would survive without her. She wasn't going to see me go to prom, graduate high school, get married, and have kids. The feeling of coming home to an empty house was so haunting. I smelled my mother all around the house, I heard her in the wind chimes that blew in the wind from outside of our porch, I saw her in the mirror of her vanity, and I felt her in the warmth of the blanket she got me for when I was born. How was I going to move on without her...?

Me and my brother's lives changed after that. My brothers did move closer to take guardianship of me, but they couldn't step a foot back into the house. Luckily for us my mother always planned ahead to take care of us. We were notified that she and my father left us each with a trust if anything were to happen to them. And to say we were poor was no longer true. How my parents ever got this money was a mystery to me and my brothers. With this trust we knew my mother had lied about our wealth from my father's passing. She didn't take on two jobs to help us survive then but to survive the future. Were me and my brothers wouldn't have to worry about poverty or being homeless for years to come. My mother always the protector...

And now I stand in front of my new home for the next who knows how many years of my life. My mother would have been proud of me from graduating High school top of my class and now going to a four-year university. I closed my eyes and breathed. Taking in this moment nothing can ruin this moment for her...

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"Dani, as much as I love just standing here and watching you dazzle in your own Beauty; we do have an apartment to move into." Marco passed one of the boxes at me, almost dropping the box, to get me back to reality. I looked at him and just smiled. "Sorry, just thinking about mom and how happy she would be for me... Though not sure if she would be happy with our friendship? She never liked Roches." He laughed at my attempt to be insulting and went back to pulling things out of the trunk of the car. "Thank you for noticing my beauty though"

"Whatever Ham; just get a move on. I'm hungry" Marco lugged another box into his arms.

"OINK OINK"