A Different Christmas (KomaHina)

Worthless ☁︎

Maybe this cheerful act wasn't going to work after all. As Hajime held me, I began to shake. I felt salty tears start to pour down my cheeks and drip onto the waxed gym floors. The water glistened as if hit the ground. I tried so hard to not make any sounds, but quiet weeps escaped my mouth as I continued to cry.

This isn't going to work. There truly is no hope for me. My legs began to quiver and weaken. "Nagito, are you?" before he could finish his sentence my knees buckled causing me to collapse onto the floor. I was a sobbing mess.

I'm so worthless! So naive. How could I have thought this could possibly work. A mask of cheer wasn't going to change the fact that I was still aching underneath the surface. I'm never going to experience the joy everyone else does. It's impossible for me to even grasp that concept.

Worthless. Worthless. Worthless.

I wrapped my arms around myself in hopes they would act like a protective barrier. Not that I need protection. Hajime stood confused and helpless. He bent down to kneel in front of me. He sat silently until he gained the courage to speak up. "Nagito, is everything ok?" I could tell he was worried. Anyone would if their partner collapsed in front of them crying. I wish I could get tell him I was, and everything would be ok but it's obvious to him that I'm not. 

"I-I hate Christmas." My voice was muffled and crackly. I felt Hajime's smile fade like the sun disappearing behind grey clouds. "it's ok." That's it. He couldn't bare to say anything more. "I'm sorry I just wanted to surprise you," he placed both of his hands on my shoulders. 

"It's not your fault," I began, "Nothing is. You're so perfect in every way and I'm such a worthless piece of trash. I don't deserve you and I know that you'll soon get bored of me and leave for someone more interesting. People usually have doubts, but I can't help but think that everything you say is a lie. I can't handle this. As much as I don't want to believe it, I feel like you could be deceiving me or pitying me because of my past. I don't want that! I don't want you if your like that!" I tried my best not to ramble, but it was too late. By the time I had finished my sentence Hajime was also crying.

In silence we both sat for a few seconds. I stared at him. He looked like he had shattered. I instantly regretted what I had said. "I apologise, I'm such an idiot." I cupped my hands over my face to hide my saddened expression. "It's ok, I understand. I should have realised this was a bad idea," he took a deep breath in and wiped away the tears around his eyes. He then Left with nothing else to say. He stood up and walked out of the room. The quiet gym made his footsteps echo. I sat watching as the door was shut leaving me alone surrounded by the flashy decorations.

"Damn it!" I slammed my fists on the wooden floors causing my knuckles to turn pink in distress. "Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!" I shouted furiously. Why do I always have to ruin everything? Just my luck! I knew this would happen sooner or later. Every person I have truly gotten close with either left because of boredom or ended up dead. I bent myself over resting my head on the floors which was coated in my tears.

"Komaeda?" Nanami ran over to me helping me sit back up. "What happened I just saw Hinata run off," she paused, "he looked...sad." She grabbed my hand holding it in attempt to calm me down. I wiped away some of the tears and sighed. "I'm fine ok." I quickly got up and ran out of the gym. The less I worry others the better. I don't want to be a burden towards anyone, especially Nanami, she's already done enough for me. I decided it would be best for me to hide where I usually do, the tree behind the school. I can be alone there and not worry about anything else.

Once I had arrived, I rested my head on the grass under the leafless tree. It really was peaceful here. I closed my eyes feeling the cold air brush through my hair. Relaxing in this spot is easy for me. I can sit here and feel safe. I sat up leaning against the truck to watch the blue birds fly around me. I wonder how nice it would be to live as a bird. Flying seems fun.

It honestly surprises me that no one has found this spot yet. It isn't locked away or anything. No one I know has ever been here. I want it to stay that way. I like it knowing it's a place just for me. as relaxing as my spot truly is, I couldn't stop thinking about the previous events.

I didn't mean to say that. But it was all true. At least he knows how I feel. Maybe I shouldn't go to the school formal tonight. I had an outfit picked out. Nanami and Kirigiri helped me choose it. I just don't want to ruin everyone's night with my mental state. It wouldn't be fair on them.

I closed my eyes again in attempt to fall asleep where I am by the tree. It will be better for me to spend the next few hours away from everyone else instead of me bothering them because of how bored I would feel.

How dumb do you have to be to say such things to your own boyfriend? Yes, Komaeda people do have doubts in relationships but they don't speak up about them. They let it blow over. You idiot. You really are the most useless person in this school. No, you're the most useless person in the world.

To think. For a moment that things were going to change, how pathetic. You really are nothing but a worthless piece of trash. Nothing you do will ever make someone smile for real. People can't feel happy around you. It's just not possible for someone to be happy when you ruin the mood with your lame feelings.

Why don't you go somewhere else, a place where you can't bother another human being again? maybe the top of the school building. Imagine the sighs of relief everyone will let out when they see your cold blood splattered over the cement ground below. How happy they would feel to finally be free from your burdens. 

No one will be sad if you are found dead. they don't care. Why not do everyone a favour? Don't be selfish. You hate being selfish, don't you? I suggest tonight at the formal or maybe now if you must. The smiles on their faces! Can't you see it? Komaeda, can't you see it?!

"STOP IT!" I screamed pulling at my hair. "STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!"

Just imagine the pure joy coursing through Hajime's veins when he sees your dead body spread across the ground. He will finally be able to get away from you and your annoying presence. Without you he can live happily and free. He doesn't have to worry about you at all. He can be normal and stress free once again. don't you want Hajime to be happy?

"GO AWAY!" my chest started to tighten, and I could feel my heart pounding as fast as a rocket can fly. My eyes stung and they appeared red due to mass amounts of salty tears I shed. My hair became knotted and messy because of the way I had ripped at it.

I Dug my hands into the dirt. My heavy breathing became unstable and I felt like all oxygen had been ripped out from inside my lungs. That's when I felt my throat twist and my hands go numb. My body was shaking violently although I could not feel past my torso. My fingers loosened their grip and my head dropped to the grass.

My vision blurred and then turned black as only speckles of light could be seen through my eyelids. Forget! Why can't I just Forget!

Just a short chapter I whipped up while eating dessert. Enjoy!