Dirt

Horrendously Purple Polkadots

    I suppose my words were what had brought it on, the words that had emerged unexpectedly from some deep part of myself where subconscious thoughts run rampant. I supposed that they were words Trevor had needed to hear and that I had needed to say, a kind of self therapy for both of us alike, because before I could take in another breath of musty trailer air Trevor had flung himself on top of me, showering me in sloppy kisses the likes of the previous night.
    I kissed back eagerly, not having realized until now how much I had needed him and whatever this was, the spit and scratchy stubble and awkward grappling at each others clothes. Everything around us vanished and my mind became blank, only to be filled with him and nothing else. As our bodies intertwined I felt at home, the same sense of wholeness flooded me and it was hot and snug as though it were fresh from the dryer.
    Even though I knew hardly anything about the life of this man and he knew hardly anything about mine I felt as though the complete opposite were true. As cliché as it sounds there was an odd connection between us, one that I had never experienced with anyone else regardless of how well I knew them; something completely independent of a mutual history.
    I allowed myself to slip my hands up the back of his shirt and map every curve and contour with my fingertips, I allowed myself to bite at his neck as he bit at mine and outline his lips with my tongue. He told me he loved me in between kisses, over and over again, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him I loved him back and so instead I kissed harder, squeezed harder and buried myself into him completely.
    “Take off your shirt.” I whispered to him, exhaling heavily. I wanted to feel every inch of him, I wanted to know him by heart and with eyes shut. As a team we pulled at the fabric of his t-shirt while trying to break as little contact as possible between us, lips by necessity having to touch every other moment.
    I didn’t take the time to observe his torso but instead pulled him back to me, bridging the gap that had formed between our bodies that had felt so unbearable. I could now freely feel his skin, his warmth and his being; I could now feel him tugging at my own shirt, running hands up the sides onto my stomach and rib cage, grabbing at me softly.
    As quickly as I could I pulled my shirt over my head, it was the only barrier left between our skin and I needed it gone more than anything. He wrapped his hands around my bare back and proceeded to kiss my chest causing shivers to ripple through my body slowly while the feeling of our stomachs touching, rising and falling with our breaths in harmony made my heart tremble with some force.
    He told me he loved me again, breathing it heavily into my ear as he kissed it and with my mind now drained of all inhibition I answered, “I love you Trevor.” without any hesitation and a twinge of instant anxiety and regret. For a moment all action came to a halt and the sound of our laboured lungs filled the small bedroom. I could distinctly feel his body tense and his fingers clamp down onto my sides. I was unsure what my proclamation had sparked in his mind or what exactly he was pondering, but to add a new layer of sincerity to what I had said I decided to repeat myself, “I love you.”
    And then once again the kisses continued, harder than before. He pulled at my hair and bit at my lips and I returned the favour by doing the same to him. He hooked his fingers into the band of my sweatpants and for a brief moment I felt myself freeze before he pulled them down my legs and I kicked them off with some urgency. I took it upon myself to remove his pants as he rained kisses upon my neck, with hands latched onto my thighs.
    The only thing to remain was underwear, my horrendously purple polkadot ones with obnoxious frills and bows that at the moment I only wanted to burn, and his of course simply white. It wasn’t long until those were gone too, not that they would be missed or that I ever wanted to see them again.
    Trevor was much more gentle a lover than I had imagined him to be, but I could have also hypothesized that he was going easy on me because I had just come off of a bad trip. Even so I liked to envision him as a gentleman with a soft interior no one had been allowed to explore but me, as terribly romantic as that may sound.
    I felt more loved than I had since I was a small child being showered with attention whilst sick with the flu, lying in bed all day long while my mother made me chicken soup and checked my temperature periodically. It was the sense of knowing your happiness had become one in the same with another person’s, that their emotions mattered as much to you as your own.
    I assumed all of the over emotional philosophical thought was an aftereffect of drugs or that I may have indeed begun to spiral into insanity; if either were true I cared very little, in fact, losing a couple of brain cells would do me a world of good. I decided not think anymore, I decided I would never think again, all that mattered at the moment was Trevor.
    As we made love he kept his arms around me tightly, and I had to admit to myself that as much as I enjoyed it it was slightly uncomfortable; despite this I wanted him to hold me even more tightly, to squeeze the breath out of me, to crush me. Two mismatched pieces are all the more satisfactory to force together than ones that are meant to fit.
    I weaved my legs around his back and my arms around his neck, playing with strands of hair as I kissed his jawline, allowing the 5 o’clock shadow to scrape at my lips as I did. “Tell me you love me again.” He exhaled, nearly whispering, as if at any given moment government spies might burst into the room and arrest me for loving him. I felt his fingers dig into my back as he proceeded to trace patterns on my neck with his tongue.
    Between gasps I told him I loved him again, though at this point I would have said anything he had asked me to, my brain seemed to be flickering like a lightbulb in need of replacement. He kissed me deeply again, I found myself pleasantly lightheaded from a lack of oxygen and pulled him closer to me, I didn’t want there to be an inch of myself that he wasn’t touching.
    It was at this moment that there was a sharp knock at the trailer door, leaving an eerie aluminium ring hanging in the air when it was over. Everything came to a dead halt as we both shifted our eyes towards the other room with more hostility than I ever thought imaginable. Trevor’s brows furrowed, his expression changing immediately before screaming, “Fuck off, nobody’s home!”
    I lifted myself to press my cheek against his chest in a futile attempt to assuage his anger, pressing my hands to his stomach with little reassurance. For a second time the unwelcome guest made themselves known through another knock that stung my eardrums, causing Trevor to let out a low growl. Before I had the chance to grab at him and hold him in place we were separated and I was left outstretched on the bed with both arms reaching out for his warmth and love and receiving nothing.
    Without having bothered to put on any of his clothes Trevor tore the door open, shedding clarity on the state the door had been in when I had arrived earlier today, “What the fuck do you want?” Trevor’s voice was pure rage, I could taste it in the tone of his words. I covered myself with the frayed blanket instinctually and listened apprehensively to the silence that ensued, clutching my knees and feeling sweat drip from my forehead, small droplets one after the other falling onto torn fabric.
    The voice that answered was tainted in disgust but I could still recognize it with ease, it was Quinn. I could picture her face perfectly, scrunched and repulsed as she inquired, “Is Nora here? We asked where the creep lived and they all pointed here.” The question made my extremities tingle with offence at the use of the word ‘creep’; in fact her entire presence offended me.
    I heard Trevor snicker and the snicker soon became loud and unfiltered laughter, laughter that went on for an amount of time I knew had made my companions very uneasy, as if the sight of the naked man hadn’t made them uneasy enough to begin with. I felt my stomach sink and lurch as he called out to me lovingly, “I don’t know if she is. Honey are you home?”