Dirt

Guns are Bullshit

    The drive to the Alamo Sea that bordered northern Sandy Shores seemed to drag on for an eternity. I sat through the entire ride with the gun sitting patiently in my lap like a sleeping kitten; though I no longer felt any fear holding it I still could not help but feel as though it didn’t belong here, anywhere in my vicinity for that matter.
    I suppose I was still slightly shaken but this only made me feel more idiotic than I knew I already was. “I’ve never held a gun before. I mean, to be honest I’ve never seen one in the flesh… so to speak.” I found myself chuckling nervously as I tried to break the tension that had arisen between us on the long ride.
    Trevor’s laugh seemed to boom through out our empty surroundings, flooding me with an enormous sense of relief, “Is that actually what you’re being so fucking neurotic about?” His voice reeked of condescension, causing my chest to tighten. “Listen sugar,” he abruptly grabbed the weapon from my lap and I flinched, “Calm the fuck down okay? This is nothing, alright? You could probably kill someone just as easily with a spoon if you were determined enough, I know that first hand.”
    I exhaled with a small and pathetic laugh, his humour allowing me to feeling a little better. Trevor placed his hand on my shoulder and shook it, “Lighten up okay? Come on now, I’m going to make you shoot it.” And as he said this we turned sharply off the road in the direction of the sea before he stamped his foot onto the breaks, bringing the tuck to an abrupt stop in a cloud of dirt.
    “I’ll pass.” I replied as quickly as I could, “Let’s just go swimming and get drunk okay?” Evidently holding the gun for a brief moment in time was not hardly enough therapy for me.
    Trevor sighed with some exaggeration before looking me in the eyes, “Nora,” his voice was stern, “Trust me, just shoot the gun once and you’ll feel as hell of a lot better. You don’t need to be a fucking therapist to know these things.” I managed to smile half-heartedly with half of my mouth, only because I knew I did trust him regardless of what common sense continued to tell me.
    “Get out of the car.” He told me as he exited the truck, and I found myself doing exactly as he said. It was an odd sensation, a lack of control over myself that I could only attribute to my confidence in Trevor’s ability to solve every life problem I had had thus far. I walked towards him without thought or hesitation like a child blindly following its mother, and like a mother he took me in his arms lovingly.
    He positioned himself behind me before sliding his arms alongside mine and guiding my hands onto the pistol; I could feel his warm breath on my neck. “You’re going to shoot that ‘no swimming’ sign because fuck that shit, we’re going swimming anyways!” I kept my eyes shut as we aimed at the red sea salt rusted sign and he pressed his index finger onto mine, causing me to pull the trigger and the ammunition to instantly penetrate the sign, leaving a hollow metallic ring resonating through the air.
    I found myself laughing uncontrollably as he pecked at my neck with dry lips, “That felt good, now didn’t it?” He inquired, “Now do it one more time.” Again he aided me in pulling the trigger, this time I kept my eyes open as we shot the tiny black circle of a head of the stick figure swimming in stick waves of water.
    Much to my dismay Trevor let go of me, taking the gun along with him. “Guns are bullshit, they’re nothing, see this?” He dangled the gun in front of my face before swinging his shoulder backward and launching it into the sea; it made a satisfying plopping sound as it became enveloped by the dark waters, “It’s no big deal.”
    I couldn’t help but assume that Trevor still possessed a complete artillery of weapons of all sorts somewhere but the symbolic significance of his gesture made me smile. He truly was the most admirable man I had ever met, as ridiculous as that sounds considering he had just committed armed robbery shortly before.
    I came to realize that despite what moral conduct I had absorbed from civilized living there was still a kind of morality that I was now beginning to identify within Trevor. A criminal is not necessarily lacking in moral standards, instead they possess their own individual ones, each more absurd than the next, but moral standards nonetheless.
    “Thank you Trevor.” I said with genuine sincerity, imagining myself now bar hopping with my ex-companions, drunk and miserably dancing with anonymous men; I had Trevor to thank for no longer being subjected to such pathetic endeavours.
    “The pleasure’s all mine, sweetheart.” He pinched at my cheek as your great aunt might when she sees you at the Christmas party, “Now let’s get trashed.” At this he fetched two boxes of wine from the bed of the truck, both with slightly frayed cardboard, I assume from being thrown about the trunk on the ride over. “One for you and one for me.” He grinned before tearing open his box with some haste and pulling from it the bag of sweet red juice.
    Trevor twisted at the nozzle that protruded from the bag and proceeded to down much of it in his first drink. I attempted to keep up with him though it was no use, I had never been one blessed with the gift of guzzling alcohol, instead I had to take many sips at various intervals; Trevor found this both endearing and hilarious.
    The night was now upon us and the moon shown bright, a giant crescent in a sky unusually filled with constellations that I used to know but no longer recognized. Trevor abandoned his clothes before sprinting childishly into the calm waters, and I wondered to myself momentarily about the levels of pollution and chemical content of the sea but quickly realized I now cared very little about that, the warm sensation of red wine in my stomach dulled my concerns.
    I glanced around to convince myself that there was no one in fact around before shedding my clothing as well. I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of shyness that I tried my best not to reveal, I had a strange impression that Trevor had yet to see me fully without clothes on, though I knew that surely he had already.
    I too ran towards the water if only because I felt the need to cover my body with something, that nearest something being the Alamo Sea. Reading my mind once again Trevor smirked at me, “You have a great body,” emphasis on the great.
    By the sardonic grin I knew he was trying to make me uncomfortable so I responded to him with a playful, “Fuck off, you’ve already seen it, now don’t be an ass,” before submerging myself completely in the water. Like any woman I had my share of stretch marks and unwanted fat, therefore any compliment made about my body with sarcastic undertone I simply would not accept, however well-intentioned it may have been.
    When I returned to the surface of the glistening water I found Trevor to have swam towards me, “Hey, hear me out, this is completely different lighting. It’s like looking at a diamond or something under dying lightbulbs and then seeing it under the moon. Your lady curves look extra lovely in this light.” His words made my heart swoon the way I had seen in movies but never knew was possible in real life.
    He was a smooth talker I would give him that much, and even through the humour in his voice I could hear undertones of sincerity that caused my stomach to coil. “I’m impressed by your uncanny ability to always say exactly what I want to hear.”
    “Yeah, you manage to learn a thing or two after being turned down by a couple thousand women.” He laughed hoarsely, “Mind you most of them were running away from me, but within the past few hours I think I’ve really managed to hone in on my seduction skills.”
    I chuckled to myself, wondering if I could possibly be missing my primal instinct to run in the face of danger, “Well I guess that’s good for you because I can’t run very fast, so you could probably catch me if I ever tried to make a move.” I flashed Trevor a genuine smile before moving towards him and pressed my body to his, leaning my head on his collar.
    Trevor wrapped his arms around my back and rested his cheek on my head and for a moment we simply stood there in the deep blue water without saying a word. The air grew uncomfortably serious and I held my breath, not daring to break the silence. In my mind there was still a thought hidden but that continued to eat at me and I decided to myself that now was an appropriate time to set it free.
    “I want to say this now before you think I’m too drunk to be talking sensibly,” I began, taking in a deep breath and knowing what had to be said, “I don’t think I’ve ever been in love before, and I don’t really know what being in love is supposed to feel like but, I think this might be it, and I’m not sure what to make of it and to be honest it’s freaking me out a little bit, but I also kind of like it.”
    I took in another breath, having exhausted my lungs momentarily. I didn't want to look at Trevor just yet but the fact that he remained silent worried me incredibly, and my heart began to race in my chest.
    He exhaled and replied to me in a strangely monotone manner, “I never really thought it was possible for someone to love me.” And again silence, this time I did not dare break it. Trevor’s statement sounded to me to be a more or less contemplative one, one that I myself had contemplated many times before but only in those moments where I was unreasonably upset and had decided that everyone in the world was out to get me.
    It resonated with me but at the same time I couldn’t fully understand it, I hardly knew the man yet, but I wished I could know his life from a simple touch. My chest felt heavy as I tossed the words over in my mind and the only solution I could think of was to reassure him with alcohol, a friend that never fails.
    I kissed his cheek before returning to the shore, dragging him by his hand and then handing him his bag of wine, “A toast to being nowhere near the people who don’t care about us.” I stated, hoping to lift both of our spirits
    Trevor smiled at me, “Cheers.”